i feel its time i leave this blog. nostalgia has caught up.

i have grown restless in stagnancy. tiresome html codes.

i never thought i would leave this space. sigh, no looking back now.

-if you feel its neccessary to be updated-

pahlawan putih

i feel a mist of lead in my lungs.

it weighs me down.

Nothing to lose

I feel a rush of emotions going through me now. I dont think i cant even call them emotions. they have no identity. just an unidentifiable rush in my veins.

anyway, what is wrong with berita harian? wtf is Jel? there's a proper word for it; penjara. why butcher the language and season it with english adaptations when there are already in existance, words that have the same meaning? thus i never really like the malay syllabus.

Malay has always been beautiful though. I really love the possiblities you create with the language. Metaphors and idioms are always intricately woven yet so fluent in expressing the rarely expressed.
Sarcasm being one habit the malay language is infamous for imparting to its users. The art of generalising, with high chances of subtly inflicting pain or pleasure, directed towards the other party.

semalu dah tersentuh
terguris salah raba
ikhlas dan utuh
ampun langkah hiba

tetap pada daunnya
genggam tiada tiris
genggam semalu mara
tetap dia bersinis

kan ku tawa, bersenda
mula jejak baru
maju jejak beza
biar kembang semula, semalu

anyway, updates on life, i might be going to bali for a getaway, Sang the Rebel was conceived on national day, i cleaned my room like nobody's business, came across fragments of memories (kept them in a box), ticket stubs, event pamphlets, dozens of doodled notebooks, cockroaches. hur threw bags and bags of sheer rubish, kept in hope that they might serve a purpose, once more in the future. And lastly, im having fun goofing off.

oh well,
Pahlawan Putih

National Language?



That is the painting. A class of chinese students learning the malay language, with a malay teacher. Chua Mia Tee painted this in 1959.


Yesterday, a national holiday, after plans of watching fireworks were abandoned due to the lack of response, and also revelation that National Language Class/Utama was on, shaza and myself decided to catch the play. A pull factor was definately the fact that Effendy was performing in one of the two performances. Im quite glad i didnt spend the night masturbating on the elusive bursts of combusting compounds in the sky, which more often then not looks like a glass dome encasing us. regulating each molecule of oxygen we respire, regulating every combustion of plastic elation the nation decides to exhibit on its pathetic 'birthday'.

Back to the plays, they were both really provoking. It was subtle, but it was really really provoking. I felt as if i was lead to a new way of thinking. Really really good. Theatre at its best. A must watch.

I cant help but think i have found my other half
now its up to each of us to decide
whether we wanna be full

Morey piya...
Pahlawan Putih

Super Duper!



I have been thinking, and i've thought. In the five months that just passed, i realised that i have been into the shoes of others. That i have felt what they had to go through, before and after.

Thus..
I would like apologise to all the directors of Pentas: Akar Aku for having turn my back at you after the grueling process. Amin, Fid, Mamat and Fana. I realised that at that point of time, my tone of speech was of an offended immature coward. I never knew it took so much time, effort and dedication. For me to strike it out as a failure just proved that i had no respect whatsoever for people's hardwork. i failed as a human being.
and Oh boy, does karma work in its comedic ways. I'm having to face a few of 'myselfs then' now. I think this experience has made me more tactful. to think before i speak, or blog.
Please do forgive me. Now i have seen the light. will look forward to working with you guys again sometime perhaps.


which brings me to an insightful question.
Have you heard about the prostitute who drew water from a well for thristy dog about to die, and she went to heaven after?
How about the woman who was so pious, and devoted to God but yet she went to hell because she had conflicts with her neighbour?

we (me shaza bo) were having a mini debate session and it swayed abit to religious issues. So that question posted to me, relating back to our duties as humans to God.
But what can be gathered from the two incidents is that our relationship between other living things, including humans, is as essential, if not more important, than praying five times a day. Maybe He wants us to instill in us kindess before anything. To respect life, both our's and other's.

and for now, i respect people's views. however, i am not drawing my sword, because its certainly not a battle. Its just a failure to comprehend. As much as i want to defend my pride, i know im better off letting it go. (thus the new blog header picture.) Take in what people say, then sieve, to get the constructive ones.

like the metaphor bo gave me about girls.
"girls are like sand..
if u hold on to them tightly.. ur just gonna hurt urself,
if u hold them loosely..they'll fall through ur hands,
so u just have to hold them in between..."

words of wisdom from bo. hurhur

Anyway, the song is just a happy song. Feeling in the mood for love.
The guys are my SUPER DUPER LOVE!

xoxo
Pahlawan Putih

Homesick

Tuesday
After Sunday, Alfian invited me to watch a full dress rehearsal of his currently on going play, Homesick. I was more than elated to go. I really like his script, and how imagist it can be. The only problem i found with the play was the culture shock. heh, the set had everything, beds to pillow to dining table to even rice! It was good nonetheless. The actors were really really awesome, especial neo swee lin. Thanks again Mr Alfian sir!
(i couldnt have afforded the real show : D).

Thursday
initially, there were no plans, then we ended up at simpang bedok till half past midnight.
I have never found anyone crazy enough as me to walk to simpang bedok from tampines. Thanks Shaza for the beautiful walk. (reciting the script and all) Hopeless nostalgics.
Aida met us there again after a hair cut. Thanks for the jibera(?)
Hajar came late, but she compensated by telling us a colourful story of how she got there.
Its really nice to be lepak-ing. But whats better is the topic of conversation that usually leans to intellectual orgasm when we are together.

Friday
Planned a last minute picnic at marina bay. Bought one kite and made another. Has some sandwiches and all. Only aida could make it. hur, nonetheless it was relaxing.

Saturday!
Started out with a morning with two lovelies, Bo and shaza, for a theatre workshop NAFA organised. It was fun(ny) all the way. hurhur... Then we had to stall Bo for his suprise birthday gathering.


He doesnt like cakes, thus the rice pudding.


Suprised @ Sofra


Great food, great company. He was in disbelief for quite a while


US!


another group pic

I never felt so happy for someone else's birthday. Happiness is awfuly contagious.
In addition we got him a belt, and a sheesha session at El-Sheik. However we werenot the only ones giving, cos he kissed and hugged everyone like no business. Happy times. Happy 19th birthday again Bukhari!

: D
Pahlawan Putih

i dont count the people that hate me.
neither do i count the people that like me.

im not THAT narcissistic
not enough to even say im good

now that the meeting has ended
Please dont cry

TSIOGE

Hyper dictionary defines ego as

[n] (psychoanalysis) the conscious mind
[n] your consciousness of your own identity
[n] an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others

and an egoist as

[n] a self-centered person with little regard for others
[n] a conceited and self-centered person


I abhor being labelled an attention seeker (thanks aida) or an egoist. I feel that it is so untrue to myself, that i must be defensive. It is the worst insult anyone can give - Torture someone by blaming a bloated fragment of that someone. Really sucky, especially if its not true.

I fullertonically hate being in the lime light. I hate it when people look at me, waiting, expecting and just blindly staring. I hate to trouble people. I hate being put in a spot. I hate it when im the only one talking. I hate it when people dont get their ideas and emotions across. I hate having to guess how people feel. I hate having to be a narcissist.
I hate. So i guess that makes me an egoist. I'll try not to deny.

furthermore, after 5 months of hardwork, i think i deserve to have my moment, undisturbed by worry of what others think. And if that involves being an egoist, then be it. I think i'd have every right to be an egoist for now.


A friend told me that if people reminded him to be humble,
its usually like a defense mechanism on their part,
he'd say "its not for me to slow down for you, its your duty to catch up",
yet be humble by all means.

It was a mini-enlightenment.
People, when 'endangered', would pull, those that threaten them, down to their level with these presumptious expectations of us going arrogant and pompous. Not all of us are glamour stricken bozos, wanting to make a name for ourselves.


and yes aida, i havent attain that level of not taking into account what people think, cos i still am a narcissist. Feedback to feed engines of improvements. In short i care what people think. I need to be more subjective next time, taking into account only people that may actually be thinking.


Nominated for all awards... that was f***ing enough lah. to be considered is such a compliment already.

I still remember fahrul telling me he like the script. shaza also said something similar, and she really showed her passion to it. nadia zanial said something in her blog about it. that was more than enough lah.
(subtracting the fact that some labelled it as empty. just because we dont do slapstick, doesnt mean we're the ones having problems with it.)

I hate how the awards overshadowed the actually performance. although it was just acceptable.

I REALLY SHOULD START THINKING POSITIVE THOUGHTS

yay yay kita menang nya pementasan rawks!
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Egotisitcally happy,
Pahlawan Putih

Irfan: Mom, my team won outstanding script, use of stimuli, production design and overall champion. How much (money) do i get?

Mom: Sooo what? Takde Cash Prize ke?

Irfan: Ada..... but that one sponsored by parents.

Mom: (gives the look)

hur hur

*Please do ignore my last post as it was written by my eternal pessimist alter ego.*

I would like to thank everyone and anyone who congratulated us (no weightage on sincerity) May your well wishes will help us in our future endeavours.

All i want now is for us to be happy.
Oh, so happy,
I feel happy and witty and gay!
And I pity
Anyone who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so happy
That I hardly can believe I'm real.
We dont have anything to lose anyways.. other than this bootiful fellowship.

I was going through the pictures we took during the award ceremony. I think this is the most adorable.


Different generations of Temasek Polytechnic students. With our most supportive alumnis, Shireen and Najib.

I still remember the time we with najib outside mango room, and he was telling us about his experience with Dengkur, a PPP production few years back. sigh... how time flies.

I've signed up for Eka youth so i would have more reasons to head to tapac. get cups of muar sugar cane juice. soak in the peace, bathe in the rain again perhaps. hee

i hate how nostalgia starts with pleasure and ends with pain.
Pahlawan Putih

We won?

It has come to my attention that it has not come to me that we 'won' - whatever 'won/win' means.

Maybe it was because from the start, we set out to entertain the audience, and all that mattered to us was that we gave a lasting impression.

My personal investment was to 'pay it forward', after all that ekamatra has given in the 5 months. I wanted others to see the beauty of theatre, like how i did. None of the awards came across our minds, especially since (i felt) we gave a bad impression to eka for all sloppy three rehearsal/previews we did.

I was contented on the performance night. I think that sufficed to last me a life time.

However Sunday had to come, where i thought we just acquired more problems, that seem to be packaged with the awards.
Our winnings were of humble ones, but for people, some who were not even involved, adopted the winning for themselves, and started bragging about it.
It was a classic case of lembu punya susu, sapi dapat nama.
Its quite sad.
But in the end, what will be engraved one the acrylic block and in people's mind is Temasek Polytechnic. First time ever in the existance of PPP.

Maybe i dont feel satisfied, because in the process of realising my vision, i sacrificed all that i had, and went all the way to get a step closer to idealism. I kept convicing myself that every dilemma should be settled with what was best for the projek. PPP made me a spend thrift, a risk taker, an opportunist, a bastard, a worrywart, assertive and aloof.
I raised my voiced at another human being whom i subconciously identified as threatening to my vision. I was so possessed that i forgot she was my friend.

In that event, i lost a lot of friends and to quote, "lost respect" for me. I could try to defend myself, but i guess people would easily label my rebuttals as an enlarged ego's mechanism. Then again, its only natural.

Its only natural for people who did not believe, to congratulate, in a condescending act of good nature. notice the word 'act'. It is just polite and courteous. Individuals who grew astray and identified us as outcast, and shook our hands with reluctance, now want to prop the trophy on their shoulders and make it apart of their glory. Individuals who paid good money, in hope to see us fall/fail, then getting an opportunity to say "i told you so" in our faces. People who might not even know the title and concept of the play.

How could you not have faith in us, only because you were not involved in it?
How could you be offended because you were not invited to be a part of it?

There is no use being offended now, especially if you are not guilty of any one of the above mentioned acts. i stress again, 'acts'. What has been done, cant be undone. You might win some, but you just lost one.

But all was not lost. I must thank Naza who came for the award ceremony, and shed so much tears. I was really touched. and thanks for doing my face yeah?

before i end the post, i would like to thank God Almighty for this head that rests on my shoulders, and i pray that it would not fill with arrogance nor pride, and that it not be a target of envy. insyaAllah.
And i pray to be able to continue this wonderful journey, with my head intact, and create with my keen spirit.

The only emotion that is begining to settle in is melancholy. Now 6 of us wont have a good reason to meet each other often anymore.

The cherry on top now would be to watch the recorded performance with the team.
Pahlawan Putih

Kau selalu di hati ku

Results for Pesta Peti Putih 2006.

Most Outstanding Production Design Temasek Poly
Most Effective Use of Set Nominated
Most Effective Use of Stimuli Temasek Poly
Most Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble Nominated
Most Outstanding Script Temasek Poly
Most Outstanding Direction Nominated

Piala Pesta Peti Putih 2006 Temasek Poly

I sujud-ed syukur for quite sometime a while ago. La illahha illallah.
It was overly suprising that we were even nominated for all the awards (excluding outstanding performer, which had no nominations.)
It was superbly amazing to be receiving 3 awards of the 6 nominations.
It was really shocking to have received Most Outstanding Script, especially when Alfian was presenting it.
It was gazillion more times shocking to have clinched the Piala Pesta Peti Putih 2006, Challenge Trophy.


However, that wasnt the most magical part of Pesta Peti Putih 2006.
The enchanting part was to see my vision come alive on the night of the performance. To hear the comforting roars, laughter of the engaging audience, uncovering meaning from humble words. To sniff stench of hard work and effort weaved together in a tapestry of life. To touch the lives of people we worked with, and those who became an audience to the product. To taste the sweetness of self-satisfaction from a performance.


and now its back to reality. I feel an enlarging puncture in me, where my emotions leak, causing an alarming sense of emptyness.
For whom shall i confide with anymore? For whom shall i adore? For where shall i go? For what will i meet? For better or for worst, in sickness and health, i shall love you guys.

Im so proud for our performance. It was not by TP, MAG or whatsoever. It was by us. I dont think you can put a label/logo/ownership on my brain so learn to live with it, we made it without you, nor your little charming critisms. (rasa-rasa rasa terasa?) Think about it, before you even think of rebuttal.



I will remember you,
will you remember me?
Pahlawan Putih

After all that work, it ended.
its over.

i havent decided which emotion to adopt.

i have so many people i need to thank.

i have so many insecurities drifting away from the people i need to thank.

.....

Al-Fatehah

In memory of my late grandmother
Hajjah Juriah bte Ahmad "Bah"



Somehow i knew, i was never in her good books. She always prefered my elder brother. But its okay, i grew to find comfort in subtle hostilities.

I grew to find peace in the your room, where my brothers and me used to sleep. Musty, lingering with your fragrance of potent Jasmine Hair Oil.

I used to stare at your stone encrusted ring, green, secretly at nights, when my eyes could not rest as the moonlight evaded the space. Somehow, i knew you knew. comfort grew from there.

I grew to find comfort on slippery bathroom floor, holding on to the copper pipes, as you lather me with vigor and made sure i came out squeaky clean. I remember vividly those noisy red 'trompahs'.

I grew to find comfort in the warm mug of coffee we would all share, sitting in front of the tv and gingerly dipping crackers to soak.

I grew to find comfort as you smother ground-up green paste on my blemished body, everyday when i had chicken pox.

I grew and found comfort in your hearty laugh.

I grow to find comfort...


Nenek, aen tak nyanyi dekat tingkap lagi

My only regret is not to have captured you in pictures.
You are an expression of solitude among an immense abundance of offsprings.

and in the early times of vunerablity, you carried me in your arms.
and tmrw i would support you to your final resting place.

Nenek Connie
Pahlawan Putih

Liberationism

it comes with a price tag and is 2 sizes too big.

After my attachment abruptly ended, i have been assuming my responsibilities, proper. Apparently, my bouts of goofing off has also increased. Inclining with ppp mates.

Saturday,

Did recording for the voiceovers in school. We didnt have a proper location, so most of the time we were moving around. Bo is responsible of being the voice.



the hindustani boxer really has a nice voice, should try out for DJ-ing.


part of the burden lifted after completion, we goofed off by visiting nostalgia. But hey, wasnt totally goofing off, it was character study okay..



Sunplaza park's swing has always been the best place to lose yourself and be reunited with childhoodednessism.











ended the day with dinner at siti's.
I would like to apologise to Kakak Kirah and Indrah for not attending their engagement. One was at Tampy, the other at Toa Payohy. I really feel guilty. Will make it up.


Sunday,

early in the morning, headed to tapac. Managed to work with the technical side, lighting and sound especially. brushed up here there. Best part was bathing in the rain with shaza. hurhur. super liberating.
That sunday felt like it was two seperate days, as we were at Tapac the whole day. Mini camp over. I guess thats how you'd feel if you were unshackled by school.


Monday,

Had breakfast at McDs with aida, rosita and rosnah. hee. Siti came shortly after. My plan was to head to school to get some work on the report, but i succumbed to my fatigue. Went back home and slept for three hours, as the rain orchestrated beyond my window.

Then headed to town with aida, to get a lomo for her sister's birthday present. I saw a nice note book i thought Kakak kirah would like, so i got it for her. Made plans to meet at bugis to pass it to her, but after stopping by HMV heeren.

I was looking for 'Avatar: The Last Airbender' VCD/DVD cause the show is super radical. and nickelodeon is playing old episodes. Furthermore, i have not been watching tv too often nowadays. Instead i got myself Nelly Furtado's loose. After listening to her songs over and over again, i realised i still have feelings for her, and that i might consider marrying her again. Ho ho ho... starting to get crappy.
but really, i like her songs cos they are melodiously addictive and most of the time have that folk influences. and her lyrics, very sincere.

Neway headed to Bugis, suprise, suprise. Then, went on a mission for Kakak Ya's present. Only then did i realise i was wearing green. subconciously a pleasant colour. I found the little cards hilarious.

Happy Engagement Kakak Kirah
Happy Birthday Kakak Ya



what a green day.

Tueday,

PPP day again. Came to school early for abit of trial and error for the props. rehearse, rehearse. then leps (short of lepak. i just thought of it, very mat) at Sri Sun with Rizal, Aidy and Siti. I like how we dont look at the watch and say, "oh its late, we should go" cos it feels so right just sitting there, forgetting what i wanted to say. hee


Wednesday,

abit tiring cos i decided to go for this makyong workshop. The story goes that Mr Abang Sir Effendy (i hope he gets mad if he ever happens to read this, i just boke all his rules) sent an email on tuesday about workshops being conducted throughout this week, organised by Magdalena. I read the email at 1am in the morning.
The Makyong Workshop caught my eye, mainly because i've never seen a makyong performance before. So i decide to set my alarm to 7am and call up the person in charge, to check whether they still had places. So i did and i went.

the workshop was from 9-12pm costing $25. I failed to read the email in detail and found myself in a room full of women, subtracting the makyong orchestra of fishermen and plantation workers from Kelantan. It was intimidating, but hey, i guess some people would argue that i would fit in just right seeing how femine i am.

The workshop was far too short and lacked alot of content, but it was nice to understand the basics of Makyong. Now i really wanna go Kelantan.

During lunch, i found out that the whole thing was an International Festival of Women in Contemporary Theatre. So what happened is that Magdalena called female artists from all over the world to meet up in Singapore and share their knowledge. It was like a camp kinda thing. Pretty cool. After which, there was a work demo for balinese dance, organised by Luh Luwih, the only all female gamelan ensemble (gamelan, dance and theatre). very interesting. Also they were gonna conduct two workshops on Kecak, in the next two days. I planned to go, but $25 for each session would just break me and i found myself extremely fatigued after that day. Will learn kecak at bali instead. InsyaAllah.

Went on a mission for a while, then went over to tapac. Auditioned for a Bangsawan at Sriwana. I think my fetish for lead Malay heroines has expanded to the traditional royal language of formalilty. getting horny already.
I dont think i'll get a part cos i auditioned 3 weeks late. But at least JM Halim(i think) said i had the voice. That was enough for me.

NJC's Preview. Met/Went with shikin and friend. Gauging the amount of trouble we might face when it came to our turn. One of the female actor, i think her name's shikin also, amused me like hell. how adorably she acted. i think it was an acceptable performance, seeing they only had two days of rehearsal.


Thursday,

aka yesterday, was like tuesday, PPP, in school. Confirmed technical cues, abit on makeup and stuff. Wee hoo.


Then today.
GOING TO TAPAC!!!!
YAY!!!


look at us making a fool of ourselves. Im plainly retarded, aida's all twisty, shikin's going all bhangra, Siti's playing peek-a-boo and shaza's imitating a gecko.

shoo exciting...
Pahlawan Putih

I woke up

and i found myself singing this song; trying to get the lyrics right.



This is dedicated to the PPP gang, whoever was there yesterday, and whoever that makes PPP worth experiencing till now.

i lop you
Pahlawan Putih

3 more days
3 more days
3 more days

and for 3 seconds after, elation
then 3 seconds of appreciation
followed by 3 seconds of reclamation

3 emotions

caused by 3 month's worth of nostalgia
of 3 people i would miss the most

looking at it, im at the last stretch to 3 years of my course after these 3 days.

3 projects to complete
3 new projects to embark on

3 minutes to get lost thinking about the future
3 seconds to get back in reality

3 more hours to work
Pahlawan Putih

Rela

kaki
haraplah
agar tersandung
turut terseliuh
lantas menanah
bila langkah meliung
maksiat yang dituju
kiblat salah arah

kerana aku sudah tidak rela
jasmani rohani hilang hala

jemari getar merana
dakapan tangis dan tawa

dada tegang semula
lumpuh maharajalela

leher gantung lemah
junjung beban semesta

dan beban semesta
dijunjung dan menjunjung
hajat nan bak nakhoda
memimpin tapak terkurung

harap lah wahai kaki ku
kerana lidah semakin kelu

dan doa turut terganggu...

Pahlawan Putih

Heavy

is my heart

There's just so much going on. and i am constantly driven to satiation of an emotion everytime.

Like on friday, i went to prayers at Ghufran and boy was it an emotional trip. I really like the Imam and how he made the doa into a poem, by rhyming the end of each line. And how his intonations drew humanity out of me. squeezed my tears out of me. and in a moment i become thankful for the ability to breathe.


If you dont already know, casting for PPP is done and over with. im pretty glad it happened cos CLASSIFIED: Projek Congkak, becomes OUR script more than my script. and it becomes OUR direction more than my direction. OUR voice, more than my voice. and i love how it becomes OUR blog more than the blog i designed. www.titisantemasek.blogspot.com

I am merely here to lay the foundation for which the team would have to anchor their pillars that would support our intentions, and the put up walls that would one day echo with our efforts, and plaster a ceiling from which our sweat will drip, welcomed, and construct a roof for which we will together sheild and protect what we've built.
Only then would the people, the audience and the judges furnish our home, either with praises or criticism.
But whatever the case, we'd still be proud we built this up together.

and a love affair is starting to blossom between us. Blossoming into a demure-looking poppy, that grows from affection to addiction. I love them. I love them all, although at the sametime i reminded im being selfish to want them to myself.



Then eka had to make my life more confusing then it already is. But i still love them too.

I think i'd be participating in the Singapore Young Dramatists Award (SYDA) 2006. which is awfully wicked.

and today i watched Suria Segar, for the first time in my life. Cos apparently, (i feel almost as if im bragging as i type this) in two weeks time, i'd be representing TP's participation in PPP for the show. Gawd.

The shocking part is not being on TV, cos even i dont watch the programme, but why i was chosen to go, with Fezhah and Big. I think eka likes to put people on the spot. heh.

and the day, 9th july happens to also be date due for lots of things like, the script, magic cue sheet etc. darn. I dont know. i hope i dont get excited to the point of being proud. and i better get comfortable talking to inanimate objects cos the camera aint my cuppa tea.


Then i got an invited for an assignment. Be photographer for MUIS family day. All expenses paid, paid trip. I'd have to meet them tomorrow and see how it goes. I hope i get a camera by then. *HUGE COLGATE SMILE AT MOM*

With all this, my mom wonders why i cant be bothered about my SIP? hurhur


Oh then i got pissed lah. When i logged on to my home's CPU. All my files were deleted. All my pictures, all my music, my works. dang. I should have transfered them to the Rosnah (my laptop) sooner. So much for a portfolio. : P

Now i cant wait for wednesday for which i'll be meeting my loves again.

Que sara sara
Pahlawan Putih

In Memory

of a woman i wanted to marry



never let media consume you
Pahlawan Putih

Comfort is reached when we fall asleep.



we slept with each other
Pahlawan Putih

tinggalkanku di Sahara
tanpa sesiapa

hanya mentari membakar
tanah gersang akar
geliung pasir samar
angin kencang fajar

tinggalkanku di Sahara
tanpa sesiapa

mungkin tak berpahala
dosa pun tak menimpa
nafsu takkan leluasa
badan takkan didera

tinggalkanku di Sahara
tanpa sesiapa

tanpa keluarga
tanpa kawan, teman, rakan
tanpa garam dan gula
tanpa air minuman

tinggalkanku di Sahara
tanpa sesiapa

hanya khayalan fana
hanya harapan buta
hanya pantulan masa
hanya kedahagaan saja

tinggalkanku di Sahara
tanpa sesiapa

buat ku renung nostalgia
buat ku bina cita-cita
buat ku mimpikan telaga
yang akan lesap dahaga

tinggalkanku di Sahara
tanpa sesiapa

biar aku dilihatNya
yang telah mencipta
aku dan Sahara
Keduanya
mendamba
kasihNya

Pahlawan Putih

Calmly excited

yeah, basically in all this rush i find scraps of excitment beneath the jaded worries. Things are starting to evolve. to get done. to reach completion.

The cast was finally selected for PPP on tuesday. Man was it tough. To cast people for talent, and ability to work effectively as an ensemble.





Thats the beautiful cast

Before that picture was taken, we celebrated Zah's birthday, in the mango room.





You should've seen her face when she found out i bought for her kain songket that she mentioned she like the colour. kental.. So basically, now its about bonding. Like today was bonding day, very relaxed, very merepek. eg. Walking around bedok as a choochoo train.

Anyway, its been sometime since i've did a publicity thing, so yeah, my fingers got itchy






I implore for your forgiveness and your blessings
Pahlawan Putih

Dear Ili

tiada gunung yang ku tidak sanggup gali
untuk mendapatkan kemaafan darimu sesekali

tiada kerdipan bintang
yang setanding
pabila senyummu terbentang
tawa mengiring

hampa
tidak cukup bagiku
kerana
kecewa hanya satu
kedua
mendendangkan lagu
buta
pada yang merdu

Ia tidak akan lagi dibiarkan merasuk ku.
...................dibanjirkan dalam nadi ku
...................diizinkan nada suara ku.
...................dimbil kisah
...................di dalam hati

tanggal rasa megah
tinggal darah saja
Pahlawan Putih

Pent up

i really need to sit down, blog and organize my thoughts. They're running around, like little kids during engagements, in my head and just refuse to go out of the bride's room. Meaning they always come to mind as they bear huge significance, i guess. And according to Hana the kids just dont want to burn...

heh, part of that paragraph was refering to Hana's sister's engagement.


Thats Rafidah
As i was taking her picture, i couldnt shake off the feeling that i knew her for years already. Actually it applied to the whole family cos maybe i felt so at home.

I had so much fun. firstly it was quite a grand affair, with hantarans and all, and that i visited a community which reiterated diversity, cos throughout the process they were speaking in Tamil. I am sure my late grandfather spoke tamil too, but to see it live and kicking, still being practice is an eyeopener. Even the bride-to-be seem well versed. It ended well with 9 ladoos in my bag, cos i forgot about haider's share. hohoho
Oh, and the food, was delicious, trust me.

Now all i hope is that i can finish editing the pictures for them, before they go all restless. and a shout out to Rizal for taking the trouble to lend me Khelena.


After which i went to catch Fanaa, knowing I'll not get another off soon, for 10 smackeroonies @ GV Tampines. It was those treat-me movies outing.

all i can say it was a dissapointment. it seemed like it was written by more than two writers who compromised (more like couldnt compromise) too much that the vision became blur. I like the starting where they were exchanging verbal poetry, which rhymed in hindi, but it stopped there, like they didnt continue being poetic and all. I like the part where they showed the Islamic side of India. I like the part which justified Kajol's unsurpassed beauty. I like the satire in the begining, and the introduction of Jolly Good Singh, which could have been developed better.
Well, somethings just seem more promising than anything.


on to school things...
This saturday would be my attachment discussion session, i am expecting my acting skills to come in handy, heh.
More importantly, there's a test on Food Safety. Lucky for me Hazel volunteered to straighten out Package 1. So here's a shout out to a saviour.

i felt bad as i think im pulling my weight with my scraps of research i come out with, and the inability to meet up, even online, due to my stupid shift work.

sheesh. and now i have yet to complete the ppp script. ideas are on standby, so i just need time to sit down and rework the script. feeling the presure.


Thinking positive, at least now, im (almost) 2/3 done with my attachment.

And I've seen the disguised blessing.
Apparently it was meeting people more than gaining experience. I meet all sorts of people everyday. But the most interesting are those that work in the store themselves.

Like Jacky, 19, thin stick figure guy with boundless enthusiasm (except when he has to throw rubbish), who is a malaysian, lives in Ipoh, has a motor bike there, youngest of 3 children, staying in sengkang. What i like about him is he brings fresh perspective to my already jaded vision. that is in his richly malaysian malay.

and Agus, 21, pleasantly suprising a balinese from Denpasar (its a sign i tell you, we must pack our bags already) has a band there, plays the djembe, has this really cool tattoo on his right fore arm, somewhere near the elbow, left a cewek there, and has offered to bring me around bali after his 6 months.
Two handsome dudes roughing it out in burger king. I feel less than purposeful there when we're working together. Cos we are like the 3 musketeers.. all standing at the counter, serving the service industry!

Then there's Reshma, a girl who did diploma in hospitality and tourism and also doing attacment there. Indian National from Tamil Nadu. where exactly i forgot. Kesian. Dah indian minority, kena attachment kat lubang taik pulak.

Then there's Aunty Ban Leng, fiesty thin stick woman who's doing overnight shift to provide for her mother and herself. She does 5-10 at NTUC, somewhere in pasir ris and goes straight to bk. Very annoying but i still try to talk to her.

Then there's Shiau Yoong who blanjaed me and jacky McFlurry. she's the team leader and wraps burgers in 3 seconds flat. very nice lah. So thats my tour of the people behind the counter top.
one more month, one more month.


So for now, i just need to organise my other thoughts. and be further prepared for 2006, the year people pick fights with Irfan.

Meyeluk perkasam, biar sampai ke pangkal lengan

Rasa-rasa rasa terasa?
Pahlawan Putih

Reason

The reason i've been missing my mom is that ever since SIP started, i've only manage to see her less than an hour each day, excluding weekends. When she wakes me up for subuh, and when she returns from school in the afternoon, as im getting ready to go out.

I miss the times i would be that annoying son who sits beside her as she does her doas after prayer. I mean its the only time i regard as 'me and mom' time. dang.

And now, its even worst cos she, bapak and the two younger ones are off doing umrah.
No mother to irritate. Im getting withdrawal symptoms.

anyway sweet of her to stock up the house with maggi mee and myojo tom yam.

Back next Friday. InsyaAllah she and family would reach home in best of health.

amin
Pahlawan Putih

Stag-nancy

Yes, my updates have been less than frequent. I would apologise but i guess you've realised that it is caused by the busy busy scheduled that i have chosen to put myself in.

Especially this week, where PPP's phase two workshops are being conducted. Im not complaining or anything its just that i wish i could have gotten off for one week to attend the workshops. Then again, phase two workshops are less exciting, compared to the first phase. Maybe in the duration between the two phases, expectations build up subconciously and thus when not accomplished, becomes dissapointment. Or maybe it was because the participants were not as 'on' as they were. I sensed that it was more of an obligation than a necessity for some. Or maybe its just the weather. (yeah, convenient to blame it on the weather) Nonetheless i had fun.

On monday, Lighting with Zizi. If you all didnt know, i have a sorta little crush (hajar would disagree) on her. hurhur. Theres an aura humble sophistication around her. Back to the workshop, it was conducted at the Play Den, Arts House. The place, like Zizi, was humbly sophisticated. I like. But the best thing was seeing Elnie, first thing in the morning. I like the way she'd light up the room with her wide smile, and how sarcastic she can be sometimes.

which brings me to today, when i was supposed to be going for a voice and acting workshop. For the past two days i have been waking up at hours ranging from 3am to 5am cos theres an abdominal pain, that's basically telling me i need to release the pent up passion in me. hurhur. its those times when you really feel like dying cos you're in the toilet sweating buckets and there's this pain that would not die. to top it all, you're in need of sleep. So i msged elnie, apologising profusely for not being able to inform them of my absence as i was 'cringing in the toilet'. and she replied to take good care and drink lots of water. very nice of her. :D

mmm kay, back to monday. i just wished i could have stayed till 5. sigh.

then on tuesday, met with sani hussein and effendy. Its it me or are the workshops seemingly shorter than they should be? The highlight of the acting workshop was the pledge thing.

i dunno, suddenly i loss the will to write.

mybe cos doom awaits me in 3 hours's time

ARGH
Pahlawan Putih

Seams start to burst...

and her breasts spills from her chest.

The line was somewhat similar to the one in the story as told by sita. I think Eli has nice lips. which is somewhat random.

but seriously,

the string is starting to fray
and in its taut nature, it threatens to snap
would it snap if the trees did not reach their arms out,
to caress the line, and tangle in its affairs
at this moment when the kite's ascending
painstakingly slowly,
but still ascending?

if only people listened to themselves.
Pahlawan Putih

If Saturday never ends.

woke up, bright and early.
first engagement for the day, titisan training. It became a great affair when we realised it would be the first training for the freshies. To me, the curiously large number is amusing, alarming and alhamdulillah-ing at the same time. I grew nervous, and soon worry sank in as i tried to take lead of the workshops, modifying as we moved along to make suitable for a huge crowd. Yet, a very fun, creative, breath of fresh air. I'm looking forward to meeting them again this wednesday.



what touched me the most was their feedback during de-brief. gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. thanks guys. to think that i might be changing other people's lives.... as if paying it forward. thanks to eka, noble of them to spread the bug.
oh my, do i see talent?


afterwards we followed zah to her collegue's dad's wake. it was a taoist funeral, and it sure was exciting, to the point of being almost rude. the elaborate details. the mismatched colours. the pantangs. the red string they gave to visitors.



i regarded it more as a culture that a religious practice. to tie the red string loosely to any one of your fingers and to let it drop, when in oblivion/ not concious of it slipping down your finger, is to bring good luck / void bad luck, even after attending a funeral. very coolness.


our hunger amplified in the afternoon heat, got the best of us. soon we made our way in search of food, some where near city hall to facilitate an easy journey to the substation. Gedebak gedebuk, we found ourselves at Secret Recipe marina bay. Late lunch was on zah, and boy was it good. i had vietnamese beef noodles.



Stuffed with great food, we made our way to the esplanade for a quick visit to the library. borrowed a couple of eccentric CDs -indian classical, indonesian guitars and a vcd on indonesian dance, in accordance to area. also a book that illustrates classical javanese dance. (thinking of using it for ppp)

Anyway, after which, we headed to the substation to catch mentah III just in time.
The first play by faralina, seemed promising, but delievered very directly, and very...tackily? It just didnt react with me.
Second one by faezah, very beautiful, i loved the performance. much cohesive compared to the first one, although they had similaries in having 3 lead female characters. I really really enjoyed it.

The night ended with a bang of course. Zizi's piece, was the best in my opinion. i enjoyed both the script and the performance. Siti Khalijah is one praise-worthy actress. she's really something. anyway, the script and the whole idea of the hopscotch thing, is really really good. how each scene is an intergral part of an intricate network of the story line. I loved it. and it was similar to the vision i had imagined ppp to be.




:)
Pahlawan Putih

nâ'staljeeu

when everything was starting to settle, the ground rambled and rumbled.

for now, im tryng to contain my logic from ever finding an emotion suitable for the expression and expulsion of the tension i have in me.

anyway, i had an off day on wednesday. Tried to complete parts of PPP script but due to distractions and a certain relaxing pill, it came to no avail. After which, when i was supposed to be in a dilemma about which 'event' to go for, i left tampines for tanjong pagar. There was a titisan + snt orientation in school, but instead of being one more person to feed egg and sardine sandwiches (hehe, dee) i thought i went to tapac to be in love again.
i dont know why but i really love that place. Sriwana was fun. much needed. though it made my leg cramps worst. heh. We're learning Serampang 12, and i got really excited to know that the 12 ragams (thus called Serampang 12) has a poem attached to them, that brings a symbolism for people to interpret.

a real good ending to day.
Another highlight of that faithful wednesday, was stopping halfway on the pathway to school, squating down like eager little children and triggering bouts of memories. Me, aida and hajar were running our aged fingers along the stalk, briefing molesting each leaf, playfully teasing every blade, and gasping to the sight of those pink frozen mini-fireworks.
Does its effort in hiding the green and turning a glossy maroon depict immediate shyness, or merely an arrogant display of hermitism?

i had fun.

I have many things to blog about.

but it seems time is not on my side. i have two deadlines drawing closer. and im stuck doing ot. Half the time, i m running around on my off day. It doesnt make it an off day now does it?

Tomorrow is another 'day off', sponsored by the kind hearts of my managers.
im going to wake up before 8, be in school by 8.50 and meet new tits members.
Then in the evening, im going of to the substation to watch mentah 3: barisan puteri-puteri I'm so exsaiyted, i juss caint haidit



Its been quite sometime. I need my dose of mental stimulation.

for now its off to bed

i pray that i have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy

for if i am not, i am at loss

Wa'l Asr
Pahlawan Putih

Snap

I was browsing through the picture i took with my phone and realised that most of them were in the moment shots. i think i really am a feeling person. heh



this was taken at the mosque compounds on a Friday. It was raining quite heavily. Soon after taking this picture, i join the group of men sitting on the flooded canvas. Very very feeling. I love the rain. And i'll gladly be drenched in rain for the Almighty. Praying in the rain was one of the most peacful things i've ever done. To strip myself of my pride and let the rain embrace every inch of my weathered skin.

I never liked it when people ran in the rain. or sheltered themselves as if acid was pouring from the sky. (well technically, rain water is acidic)
Rain is what connects me with my childhood, my nostalgia.




This picture was taken after my visit to Dr Chen, and clinching a 3 day MC. I was walking along memory lane basically. where i used to queue up in two straight lines, clad in red and blue, trying to unwrap a hazlenut flavoured sweet that made my fingers sticky, and the ever changing playground, that made me queue for a ride on its iron scented chain swings, that made me slide down head first, that made me chase my peers, chased by my peers, losing a button or two, and lastly i was back at Aunty Mala's Shop, the layout has barely changed, excluding the additions of some new display shelfs and sort. Aunty Mala herself hasnt aged that much, she was still the image i had of her when i was a kid.

Back to the picture, being broke after visiting the doc, i was left with only 10cents. So yeah, i got the ice lolly thing. Come to think of it, it never really had an offical name kinda thing. Ice batu, 10cent thing... Neway, i was shocked it was still 10cents. I thought by now they had found an excuse to increase the price to 20cents or something. So they i was, almost skipping back home, with a 3-day mc in my bag and a cool treat in my hand.




This was while me and hajar was uncovering the black plastic that became the background for the MAG noticeboard. MAG was once called Malay Cultural Society. A few theories to why it was dissolved down to Malay Arts Group, is that numbers depleted, so it couldnt be a society, and the introduction of Sri Temasek.
More interesting than the dead bugs we saw.




This is a picture of aunty. A lady that wipes tables and washes tray for a living. I was tryna compare her and the symbolic Changi Airport Tower, i used to call it the "Botol susu" (translated "Milk bottle"). She might have seen the land that construction workers laid cement on for the airport. She might have seen the virgin soil.
Nowadays, generally, i've made it a point to listen to people more. anybody basically. Cos i always happen to find a colourful background, and a myriadic story they'd like to share.

These days, pleasure comes in the form of mee maggi ayam with slices of one chili padi. The best part is when i purposely bite on to one.

I miss the way you made me feel like a little boy. I miss you saccharine voice.

Do i see buds blooming, or buding blooms?
Pahlwan Putih

2006

not a good year for me. Definately. Plans made, will never be executed. Which makes me more of a pessimist more than i already am and gives new meaning to the saying "Fail to plan, plan to fail".

I think this year would be about grounding myself. Weathering, through exposure with the elements of failure. Rooting my identity in light of the vengeful hurricanes.

(Maybe its the chain emails i never bothered to read/send. All that pent up karma)

Its taking alot. I would really need solace, consolation, relief.

Have We not expanded for you your breast,
And taken off from you your burden,
Which pressed heavily upon your back,
And exalted for you your esteem?
Surely with difficulty is ease.
With difficulty is surely ease.
So when you are free, nominate.
And make your Lord your exclusive object

If 'With difficulty is surely ease' then is with ease surely difficulty?
Surah 94: Al-Inshirah.

I've watched Rabun, Thanks to Kakak Kirah a.k.a queersoul. I will Yasmin Ahmad no matter what. Talk about that soon.

For now i think i'll go wash up and then do some reading as promised.

Fainna maAAa alAAusri yusran,
Inna maAAa alAAusri yusran
Pahlawan Putih

Swell

Everything's fine for now. Just that maybe things are very stagnant these days. (Update your blogs, yes you) Always looking forward to my off-days, and days i can just chill with my buddies.
Currently, I've been putting off alot of researching, thus plenty of reading to do. Especially for PPP script and Food Safety.

Anyway, Excitement came knocking on my door in the form of Farhana(nadia's cousin/dramatec). Her sister is getting engaged in June, and apparently she likes my photographs, as seen in this site. I am asked to be the cameraman for the event!
Wow kan. More exciting than the fact its gonna be an indian-ish engagement (well im hoping it is) is that it would be a start of a new career. hohoho

which brings me to my motivation to finish SIP.
I've decided to make the best out of the grueling internship and save my earnings to get a Digital SLR camera. Its funny i that i dont know what SLR actually stands for, but i really just want those cool bulky cameras that provides pictures with the gift of aperture. So yeah I m saving and making a deal with mother.

I think she's really tired of me whining on and on about not wanting to go to work and blah blah blah. And i keep testing her on her stand regarding me just failing the internship now to stay back for an additional semester.
"Jangan nak merepek" would nicely sum it up.

I saw the opportunity. I made the deal. hahaha so sneaky of me. And i've always associated my negotiations, and informal agreements with mother, with the appeasement of Hitler before the breakout of WW2. hohoh. So its agreed that if i complete this grueling test of will and endurance, a purchase would be made, and i shall be happy, contented and not forgeting thankful. InsyaAllah.

endurance is the key here. Now that i've found my motivation, i hope it would be easier.

For the fact that my family would be off to Makkah while im stucked here chanting "chilli or ketchup", aida going off to bali, i might not get an off to be the photographer for the engagement, me missing indrah's engagement, me not contributing enough for Food safety, with me being a total idiot, and singing endlessly the song that got stuck in my head, new one everyday, it would take mountain loads of patience.

Luckily, im done with 1/4 of the internship. More annoyingly, it means PPP is drawing nearer.
I better start reading soon

Thinking about it, i would have met you if you never had tagged. Cos we'd be settling it like adults.

Wil nakaya falamang lan urulalayo~
Pahlawan Putih

Fragments taken for granted

One thing about SIP is i miss taking photos.
so here comes a kilobyte laden post. Hope you're using broadband.

The auntie ants crew + the monkey


Dee mentel

Cleopatra's long lost sister

Thanks for the Karkadeh

Sayang sama pokok... na na nanana

Mengapa tak seindah dulu? Een calls during breaks. Adi's at brunei.

Paluu.. Starting afresh

nak main shithead

shikin rox my sox

zah, "Faakitlah"

Dah somebody *slurp*

and lastly not forgeting the ever so patient yet annoying Ms Jajambo: stage manager, counsellor, "stop it eh", ms presidente.

In no particular order lor...
Pahlawan Putih