*Please do ignore my last post as it was written by my eternal pessimist alter ego.*

I would like to thank everyone and anyone who congratulated us (no weightage on sincerity) May your well wishes will help us in our future endeavours.

All i want now is for us to be happy.
Oh, so happy,
I feel happy and witty and gay!
And I pity
Anyone who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so happy
That I hardly can believe I'm real.
We dont have anything to lose anyways.. other than this bootiful fellowship.

I was going through the pictures we took during the award ceremony. I think this is the most adorable.


Different generations of Temasek Polytechnic students. With our most supportive alumnis, Shireen and Najib.

I still remember the time we with najib outside mango room, and he was telling us about his experience with Dengkur, a PPP production few years back. sigh... how time flies.

I've signed up for Eka youth so i would have more reasons to head to tapac. get cups of muar sugar cane juice. soak in the peace, bathe in the rain again perhaps. hee

i hate how nostalgia starts with pleasure and ends with pain.
Pahlawan Putih

We won?

It has come to my attention that it has not come to me that we 'won' - whatever 'won/win' means.

Maybe it was because from the start, we set out to entertain the audience, and all that mattered to us was that we gave a lasting impression.

My personal investment was to 'pay it forward', after all that ekamatra has given in the 5 months. I wanted others to see the beauty of theatre, like how i did. None of the awards came across our minds, especially since (i felt) we gave a bad impression to eka for all sloppy three rehearsal/previews we did.

I was contented on the performance night. I think that sufficed to last me a life time.

However Sunday had to come, where i thought we just acquired more problems, that seem to be packaged with the awards.
Our winnings were of humble ones, but for people, some who were not even involved, adopted the winning for themselves, and started bragging about it.
It was a classic case of lembu punya susu, sapi dapat nama.
Its quite sad.
But in the end, what will be engraved one the acrylic block and in people's mind is Temasek Polytechnic. First time ever in the existance of PPP.

Maybe i dont feel satisfied, because in the process of realising my vision, i sacrificed all that i had, and went all the way to get a step closer to idealism. I kept convicing myself that every dilemma should be settled with what was best for the projek. PPP made me a spend thrift, a risk taker, an opportunist, a bastard, a worrywart, assertive and aloof.
I raised my voiced at another human being whom i subconciously identified as threatening to my vision. I was so possessed that i forgot she was my friend.

In that event, i lost a lot of friends and to quote, "lost respect" for me. I could try to defend myself, but i guess people would easily label my rebuttals as an enlarged ego's mechanism. Then again, its only natural.

Its only natural for people who did not believe, to congratulate, in a condescending act of good nature. notice the word 'act'. It is just polite and courteous. Individuals who grew astray and identified us as outcast, and shook our hands with reluctance, now want to prop the trophy on their shoulders and make it apart of their glory. Individuals who paid good money, in hope to see us fall/fail, then getting an opportunity to say "i told you so" in our faces. People who might not even know the title and concept of the play.

How could you not have faith in us, only because you were not involved in it?
How could you be offended because you were not invited to be a part of it?

There is no use being offended now, especially if you are not guilty of any one of the above mentioned acts. i stress again, 'acts'. What has been done, cant be undone. You might win some, but you just lost one.

But all was not lost. I must thank Naza who came for the award ceremony, and shed so much tears. I was really touched. and thanks for doing my face yeah?

before i end the post, i would like to thank God Almighty for this head that rests on my shoulders, and i pray that it would not fill with arrogance nor pride, and that it not be a target of envy. insyaAllah.
And i pray to be able to continue this wonderful journey, with my head intact, and create with my keen spirit.

The only emotion that is begining to settle in is melancholy. Now 6 of us wont have a good reason to meet each other often anymore.

The cherry on top now would be to watch the recorded performance with the team.
Pahlawan Putih

Kau selalu di hati ku

Results for Pesta Peti Putih 2006.

Most Outstanding Production Design Temasek Poly
Most Effective Use of Set Nominated
Most Effective Use of Stimuli Temasek Poly
Most Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble Nominated
Most Outstanding Script Temasek Poly
Most Outstanding Direction Nominated

Piala Pesta Peti Putih 2006 Temasek Poly

I sujud-ed syukur for quite sometime a while ago. La illahha illallah.
It was overly suprising that we were even nominated for all the awards (excluding outstanding performer, which had no nominations.)
It was superbly amazing to be receiving 3 awards of the 6 nominations.
It was really shocking to have received Most Outstanding Script, especially when Alfian was presenting it.
It was gazillion more times shocking to have clinched the Piala Pesta Peti Putih 2006, Challenge Trophy.


However, that wasnt the most magical part of Pesta Peti Putih 2006.
The enchanting part was to see my vision come alive on the night of the performance. To hear the comforting roars, laughter of the engaging audience, uncovering meaning from humble words. To sniff stench of hard work and effort weaved together in a tapestry of life. To touch the lives of people we worked with, and those who became an audience to the product. To taste the sweetness of self-satisfaction from a performance.


and now its back to reality. I feel an enlarging puncture in me, where my emotions leak, causing an alarming sense of emptyness.
For whom shall i confide with anymore? For whom shall i adore? For where shall i go? For what will i meet? For better or for worst, in sickness and health, i shall love you guys.

Im so proud for our performance. It was not by TP, MAG or whatsoever. It was by us. I dont think you can put a label/logo/ownership on my brain so learn to live with it, we made it without you, nor your little charming critisms. (rasa-rasa rasa terasa?) Think about it, before you even think of rebuttal.



I will remember you,
will you remember me?
Pahlawan Putih

After all that work, it ended.
its over.

i havent decided which emotion to adopt.

i have so many people i need to thank.

i have so many insecurities drifting away from the people i need to thank.

.....

Al-Fatehah

In memory of my late grandmother
Hajjah Juriah bte Ahmad "Bah"



Somehow i knew, i was never in her good books. She always prefered my elder brother. But its okay, i grew to find comfort in subtle hostilities.

I grew to find peace in the your room, where my brothers and me used to sleep. Musty, lingering with your fragrance of potent Jasmine Hair Oil.

I used to stare at your stone encrusted ring, green, secretly at nights, when my eyes could not rest as the moonlight evaded the space. Somehow, i knew you knew. comfort grew from there.

I grew to find comfort on slippery bathroom floor, holding on to the copper pipes, as you lather me with vigor and made sure i came out squeaky clean. I remember vividly those noisy red 'trompahs'.

I grew to find comfort in the warm mug of coffee we would all share, sitting in front of the tv and gingerly dipping crackers to soak.

I grew to find comfort as you smother ground-up green paste on my blemished body, everyday when i had chicken pox.

I grew and found comfort in your hearty laugh.

I grow to find comfort...


Nenek, aen tak nyanyi dekat tingkap lagi

My only regret is not to have captured you in pictures.
You are an expression of solitude among an immense abundance of offsprings.

and in the early times of vunerablity, you carried me in your arms.
and tmrw i would support you to your final resting place.

Nenek Connie
Pahlawan Putih

Liberationism

it comes with a price tag and is 2 sizes too big.

After my attachment abruptly ended, i have been assuming my responsibilities, proper. Apparently, my bouts of goofing off has also increased. Inclining with ppp mates.

Saturday,

Did recording for the voiceovers in school. We didnt have a proper location, so most of the time we were moving around. Bo is responsible of being the voice.



the hindustani boxer really has a nice voice, should try out for DJ-ing.


part of the burden lifted after completion, we goofed off by visiting nostalgia. But hey, wasnt totally goofing off, it was character study okay..



Sunplaza park's swing has always been the best place to lose yourself and be reunited with childhoodednessism.











ended the day with dinner at siti's.
I would like to apologise to Kakak Kirah and Indrah for not attending their engagement. One was at Tampy, the other at Toa Payohy. I really feel guilty. Will make it up.


Sunday,

early in the morning, headed to tapac. Managed to work with the technical side, lighting and sound especially. brushed up here there. Best part was bathing in the rain with shaza. hurhur. super liberating.
That sunday felt like it was two seperate days, as we were at Tapac the whole day. Mini camp over. I guess thats how you'd feel if you were unshackled by school.


Monday,

Had breakfast at McDs with aida, rosita and rosnah. hee. Siti came shortly after. My plan was to head to school to get some work on the report, but i succumbed to my fatigue. Went back home and slept for three hours, as the rain orchestrated beyond my window.

Then headed to town with aida, to get a lomo for her sister's birthday present. I saw a nice note book i thought Kakak kirah would like, so i got it for her. Made plans to meet at bugis to pass it to her, but after stopping by HMV heeren.

I was looking for 'Avatar: The Last Airbender' VCD/DVD cause the show is super radical. and nickelodeon is playing old episodes. Furthermore, i have not been watching tv too often nowadays. Instead i got myself Nelly Furtado's loose. After listening to her songs over and over again, i realised i still have feelings for her, and that i might consider marrying her again. Ho ho ho... starting to get crappy.
but really, i like her songs cos they are melodiously addictive and most of the time have that folk influences. and her lyrics, very sincere.

Neway headed to Bugis, suprise, suprise. Then, went on a mission for Kakak Ya's present. Only then did i realise i was wearing green. subconciously a pleasant colour. I found the little cards hilarious.

Happy Engagement Kakak Kirah
Happy Birthday Kakak Ya



what a green day.

Tueday,

PPP day again. Came to school early for abit of trial and error for the props. rehearse, rehearse. then leps (short of lepak. i just thought of it, very mat) at Sri Sun with Rizal, Aidy and Siti. I like how we dont look at the watch and say, "oh its late, we should go" cos it feels so right just sitting there, forgetting what i wanted to say. hee


Wednesday,

abit tiring cos i decided to go for this makyong workshop. The story goes that Mr Abang Sir Effendy (i hope he gets mad if he ever happens to read this, i just boke all his rules) sent an email on tuesday about workshops being conducted throughout this week, organised by Magdalena. I read the email at 1am in the morning.
The Makyong Workshop caught my eye, mainly because i've never seen a makyong performance before. So i decide to set my alarm to 7am and call up the person in charge, to check whether they still had places. So i did and i went.

the workshop was from 9-12pm costing $25. I failed to read the email in detail and found myself in a room full of women, subtracting the makyong orchestra of fishermen and plantation workers from Kelantan. It was intimidating, but hey, i guess some people would argue that i would fit in just right seeing how femine i am.

The workshop was far too short and lacked alot of content, but it was nice to understand the basics of Makyong. Now i really wanna go Kelantan.

During lunch, i found out that the whole thing was an International Festival of Women in Contemporary Theatre. So what happened is that Magdalena called female artists from all over the world to meet up in Singapore and share their knowledge. It was like a camp kinda thing. Pretty cool. After which, there was a work demo for balinese dance, organised by Luh Luwih, the only all female gamelan ensemble (gamelan, dance and theatre). very interesting. Also they were gonna conduct two workshops on Kecak, in the next two days. I planned to go, but $25 for each session would just break me and i found myself extremely fatigued after that day. Will learn kecak at bali instead. InsyaAllah.

Went on a mission for a while, then went over to tapac. Auditioned for a Bangsawan at Sriwana. I think my fetish for lead Malay heroines has expanded to the traditional royal language of formalilty. getting horny already.
I dont think i'll get a part cos i auditioned 3 weeks late. But at least JM Halim(i think) said i had the voice. That was enough for me.

NJC's Preview. Met/Went with shikin and friend. Gauging the amount of trouble we might face when it came to our turn. One of the female actor, i think her name's shikin also, amused me like hell. how adorably she acted. i think it was an acceptable performance, seeing they only had two days of rehearsal.


Thursday,

aka yesterday, was like tuesday, PPP, in school. Confirmed technical cues, abit on makeup and stuff. Wee hoo.


Then today.
GOING TO TAPAC!!!!
YAY!!!


look at us making a fool of ourselves. Im plainly retarded, aida's all twisty, shikin's going all bhangra, Siti's playing peek-a-boo and shaza's imitating a gecko.

shoo exciting...
Pahlawan Putih

I woke up

and i found myself singing this song; trying to get the lyrics right.



This is dedicated to the PPP gang, whoever was there yesterday, and whoever that makes PPP worth experiencing till now.

i lop you
Pahlawan Putih

3 more days
3 more days
3 more days

and for 3 seconds after, elation
then 3 seconds of appreciation
followed by 3 seconds of reclamation

3 emotions

caused by 3 month's worth of nostalgia
of 3 people i would miss the most

looking at it, im at the last stretch to 3 years of my course after these 3 days.

3 projects to complete
3 new projects to embark on

3 minutes to get lost thinking about the future
3 seconds to get back in reality

3 more hours to work
Pahlawan Putih

Rela

kaki
haraplah
agar tersandung
turut terseliuh
lantas menanah
bila langkah meliung
maksiat yang dituju
kiblat salah arah

kerana aku sudah tidak rela
jasmani rohani hilang hala

jemari getar merana
dakapan tangis dan tawa

dada tegang semula
lumpuh maharajalela

leher gantung lemah
junjung beban semesta

dan beban semesta
dijunjung dan menjunjung
hajat nan bak nakhoda
memimpin tapak terkurung

harap lah wahai kaki ku
kerana lidah semakin kelu

dan doa turut terganggu...

Pahlawan Putih