Reason

The reason i've been missing my mom is that ever since SIP started, i've only manage to see her less than an hour each day, excluding weekends. When she wakes me up for subuh, and when she returns from school in the afternoon, as im getting ready to go out.

I miss the times i would be that annoying son who sits beside her as she does her doas after prayer. I mean its the only time i regard as 'me and mom' time. dang.

And now, its even worst cos she, bapak and the two younger ones are off doing umrah.
No mother to irritate. Im getting withdrawal symptoms.

anyway sweet of her to stock up the house with maggi mee and myojo tom yam.

Back next Friday. InsyaAllah she and family would reach home in best of health.

amin
Pahlawan Putih

Stag-nancy

Yes, my updates have been less than frequent. I would apologise but i guess you've realised that it is caused by the busy busy scheduled that i have chosen to put myself in.

Especially this week, where PPP's phase two workshops are being conducted. Im not complaining or anything its just that i wish i could have gotten off for one week to attend the workshops. Then again, phase two workshops are less exciting, compared to the first phase. Maybe in the duration between the two phases, expectations build up subconciously and thus when not accomplished, becomes dissapointment. Or maybe it was because the participants were not as 'on' as they were. I sensed that it was more of an obligation than a necessity for some. Or maybe its just the weather. (yeah, convenient to blame it on the weather) Nonetheless i had fun.

On monday, Lighting with Zizi. If you all didnt know, i have a sorta little crush (hajar would disagree) on her. hurhur. Theres an aura humble sophistication around her. Back to the workshop, it was conducted at the Play Den, Arts House. The place, like Zizi, was humbly sophisticated. I like. But the best thing was seeing Elnie, first thing in the morning. I like the way she'd light up the room with her wide smile, and how sarcastic she can be sometimes.

which brings me to today, when i was supposed to be going for a voice and acting workshop. For the past two days i have been waking up at hours ranging from 3am to 5am cos theres an abdominal pain, that's basically telling me i need to release the pent up passion in me. hurhur. its those times when you really feel like dying cos you're in the toilet sweating buckets and there's this pain that would not die. to top it all, you're in need of sleep. So i msged elnie, apologising profusely for not being able to inform them of my absence as i was 'cringing in the toilet'. and she replied to take good care and drink lots of water. very nice of her. :D

mmm kay, back to monday. i just wished i could have stayed till 5. sigh.

then on tuesday, met with sani hussein and effendy. Its it me or are the workshops seemingly shorter than they should be? The highlight of the acting workshop was the pledge thing.

i dunno, suddenly i loss the will to write.

mybe cos doom awaits me in 3 hours's time

ARGH
Pahlawan Putih

Seams start to burst...

and her breasts spills from her chest.

The line was somewhat similar to the one in the story as told by sita. I think Eli has nice lips. which is somewhat random.

but seriously,

the string is starting to fray
and in its taut nature, it threatens to snap
would it snap if the trees did not reach their arms out,
to caress the line, and tangle in its affairs
at this moment when the kite's ascending
painstakingly slowly,
but still ascending?

if only people listened to themselves.
Pahlawan Putih

If Saturday never ends.

woke up, bright and early.
first engagement for the day, titisan training. It became a great affair when we realised it would be the first training for the freshies. To me, the curiously large number is amusing, alarming and alhamdulillah-ing at the same time. I grew nervous, and soon worry sank in as i tried to take lead of the workshops, modifying as we moved along to make suitable for a huge crowd. Yet, a very fun, creative, breath of fresh air. I'm looking forward to meeting them again this wednesday.



what touched me the most was their feedback during de-brief. gave me a warm fuzzy feeling. thanks guys. to think that i might be changing other people's lives.... as if paying it forward. thanks to eka, noble of them to spread the bug.
oh my, do i see talent?


afterwards we followed zah to her collegue's dad's wake. it was a taoist funeral, and it sure was exciting, to the point of being almost rude. the elaborate details. the mismatched colours. the pantangs. the red string they gave to visitors.



i regarded it more as a culture that a religious practice. to tie the red string loosely to any one of your fingers and to let it drop, when in oblivion/ not concious of it slipping down your finger, is to bring good luck / void bad luck, even after attending a funeral. very coolness.


our hunger amplified in the afternoon heat, got the best of us. soon we made our way in search of food, some where near city hall to facilitate an easy journey to the substation. Gedebak gedebuk, we found ourselves at Secret Recipe marina bay. Late lunch was on zah, and boy was it good. i had vietnamese beef noodles.



Stuffed with great food, we made our way to the esplanade for a quick visit to the library. borrowed a couple of eccentric CDs -indian classical, indonesian guitars and a vcd on indonesian dance, in accordance to area. also a book that illustrates classical javanese dance. (thinking of using it for ppp)

Anyway, after which, we headed to the substation to catch mentah III just in time.
The first play by faralina, seemed promising, but delievered very directly, and very...tackily? It just didnt react with me.
Second one by faezah, very beautiful, i loved the performance. much cohesive compared to the first one, although they had similaries in having 3 lead female characters. I really really enjoyed it.

The night ended with a bang of course. Zizi's piece, was the best in my opinion. i enjoyed both the script and the performance. Siti Khalijah is one praise-worthy actress. she's really something. anyway, the script and the whole idea of the hopscotch thing, is really really good. how each scene is an intergral part of an intricate network of the story line. I loved it. and it was similar to the vision i had imagined ppp to be.




:)
Pahlawan Putih

nâ'staljeeu

when everything was starting to settle, the ground rambled and rumbled.

for now, im tryng to contain my logic from ever finding an emotion suitable for the expression and expulsion of the tension i have in me.

anyway, i had an off day on wednesday. Tried to complete parts of PPP script but due to distractions and a certain relaxing pill, it came to no avail. After which, when i was supposed to be in a dilemma about which 'event' to go for, i left tampines for tanjong pagar. There was a titisan + snt orientation in school, but instead of being one more person to feed egg and sardine sandwiches (hehe, dee) i thought i went to tapac to be in love again.
i dont know why but i really love that place. Sriwana was fun. much needed. though it made my leg cramps worst. heh. We're learning Serampang 12, and i got really excited to know that the 12 ragams (thus called Serampang 12) has a poem attached to them, that brings a symbolism for people to interpret.

a real good ending to day.
Another highlight of that faithful wednesday, was stopping halfway on the pathway to school, squating down like eager little children and triggering bouts of memories. Me, aida and hajar were running our aged fingers along the stalk, briefing molesting each leaf, playfully teasing every blade, and gasping to the sight of those pink frozen mini-fireworks.
Does its effort in hiding the green and turning a glossy maroon depict immediate shyness, or merely an arrogant display of hermitism?

i had fun.

I have many things to blog about.

but it seems time is not on my side. i have two deadlines drawing closer. and im stuck doing ot. Half the time, i m running around on my off day. It doesnt make it an off day now does it?

Tomorrow is another 'day off', sponsored by the kind hearts of my managers.
im going to wake up before 8, be in school by 8.50 and meet new tits members.
Then in the evening, im going of to the substation to watch mentah 3: barisan puteri-puteri I'm so exsaiyted, i juss caint haidit



Its been quite sometime. I need my dose of mental stimulation.

for now its off to bed

i pray that i have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy

for if i am not, i am at loss

Wa'l Asr
Pahlawan Putih

Snap

I was browsing through the picture i took with my phone and realised that most of them were in the moment shots. i think i really am a feeling person. heh



this was taken at the mosque compounds on a Friday. It was raining quite heavily. Soon after taking this picture, i join the group of men sitting on the flooded canvas. Very very feeling. I love the rain. And i'll gladly be drenched in rain for the Almighty. Praying in the rain was one of the most peacful things i've ever done. To strip myself of my pride and let the rain embrace every inch of my weathered skin.

I never liked it when people ran in the rain. or sheltered themselves as if acid was pouring from the sky. (well technically, rain water is acidic)
Rain is what connects me with my childhood, my nostalgia.




This picture was taken after my visit to Dr Chen, and clinching a 3 day MC. I was walking along memory lane basically. where i used to queue up in two straight lines, clad in red and blue, trying to unwrap a hazlenut flavoured sweet that made my fingers sticky, and the ever changing playground, that made me queue for a ride on its iron scented chain swings, that made me slide down head first, that made me chase my peers, chased by my peers, losing a button or two, and lastly i was back at Aunty Mala's Shop, the layout has barely changed, excluding the additions of some new display shelfs and sort. Aunty Mala herself hasnt aged that much, she was still the image i had of her when i was a kid.

Back to the picture, being broke after visiting the doc, i was left with only 10cents. So yeah, i got the ice lolly thing. Come to think of it, it never really had an offical name kinda thing. Ice batu, 10cent thing... Neway, i was shocked it was still 10cents. I thought by now they had found an excuse to increase the price to 20cents or something. So they i was, almost skipping back home, with a 3-day mc in my bag and a cool treat in my hand.




This was while me and hajar was uncovering the black plastic that became the background for the MAG noticeboard. MAG was once called Malay Cultural Society. A few theories to why it was dissolved down to Malay Arts Group, is that numbers depleted, so it couldnt be a society, and the introduction of Sri Temasek.
More interesting than the dead bugs we saw.




This is a picture of aunty. A lady that wipes tables and washes tray for a living. I was tryna compare her and the symbolic Changi Airport Tower, i used to call it the "Botol susu" (translated "Milk bottle"). She might have seen the land that construction workers laid cement on for the airport. She might have seen the virgin soil.
Nowadays, generally, i've made it a point to listen to people more. anybody basically. Cos i always happen to find a colourful background, and a myriadic story they'd like to share.

These days, pleasure comes in the form of mee maggi ayam with slices of one chili padi. The best part is when i purposely bite on to one.

I miss the way you made me feel like a little boy. I miss you saccharine voice.

Do i see buds blooming, or buding blooms?
Pahlwan Putih

2006

not a good year for me. Definately. Plans made, will never be executed. Which makes me more of a pessimist more than i already am and gives new meaning to the saying "Fail to plan, plan to fail".

I think this year would be about grounding myself. Weathering, through exposure with the elements of failure. Rooting my identity in light of the vengeful hurricanes.

(Maybe its the chain emails i never bothered to read/send. All that pent up karma)

Its taking alot. I would really need solace, consolation, relief.

Have We not expanded for you your breast,
And taken off from you your burden,
Which pressed heavily upon your back,
And exalted for you your esteem?
Surely with difficulty is ease.
With difficulty is surely ease.
So when you are free, nominate.
And make your Lord your exclusive object

If 'With difficulty is surely ease' then is with ease surely difficulty?
Surah 94: Al-Inshirah.

I've watched Rabun, Thanks to Kakak Kirah a.k.a queersoul. I will Yasmin Ahmad no matter what. Talk about that soon.

For now i think i'll go wash up and then do some reading as promised.

Fainna maAAa alAAusri yusran,
Inna maAAa alAAusri yusran
Pahlawan Putih

Swell

Everything's fine for now. Just that maybe things are very stagnant these days. (Update your blogs, yes you) Always looking forward to my off-days, and days i can just chill with my buddies.
Currently, I've been putting off alot of researching, thus plenty of reading to do. Especially for PPP script and Food Safety.

Anyway, Excitement came knocking on my door in the form of Farhana(nadia's cousin/dramatec). Her sister is getting engaged in June, and apparently she likes my photographs, as seen in this site. I am asked to be the cameraman for the event!
Wow kan. More exciting than the fact its gonna be an indian-ish engagement (well im hoping it is) is that it would be a start of a new career. hohoho

which brings me to my motivation to finish SIP.
I've decided to make the best out of the grueling internship and save my earnings to get a Digital SLR camera. Its funny i that i dont know what SLR actually stands for, but i really just want those cool bulky cameras that provides pictures with the gift of aperture. So yeah I m saving and making a deal with mother.

I think she's really tired of me whining on and on about not wanting to go to work and blah blah blah. And i keep testing her on her stand regarding me just failing the internship now to stay back for an additional semester.
"Jangan nak merepek" would nicely sum it up.

I saw the opportunity. I made the deal. hahaha so sneaky of me. And i've always associated my negotiations, and informal agreements with mother, with the appeasement of Hitler before the breakout of WW2. hohoh. So its agreed that if i complete this grueling test of will and endurance, a purchase would be made, and i shall be happy, contented and not forgeting thankful. InsyaAllah.

endurance is the key here. Now that i've found my motivation, i hope it would be easier.

For the fact that my family would be off to Makkah while im stucked here chanting "chilli or ketchup", aida going off to bali, i might not get an off to be the photographer for the engagement, me missing indrah's engagement, me not contributing enough for Food safety, with me being a total idiot, and singing endlessly the song that got stuck in my head, new one everyday, it would take mountain loads of patience.

Luckily, im done with 1/4 of the internship. More annoyingly, it means PPP is drawing nearer.
I better start reading soon

Thinking about it, i would have met you if you never had tagged. Cos we'd be settling it like adults.

Wil nakaya falamang lan urulalayo~
Pahlawan Putih

Fragments taken for granted

One thing about SIP is i miss taking photos.
so here comes a kilobyte laden post. Hope you're using broadband.

The auntie ants crew + the monkey


Dee mentel

Cleopatra's long lost sister

Thanks for the Karkadeh

Sayang sama pokok... na na nanana

Mengapa tak seindah dulu? Een calls during breaks. Adi's at brunei.

Paluu.. Starting afresh

nak main shithead

shikin rox my sox

zah, "Faakitlah"

Dah somebody *slurp*

and lastly not forgeting the ever so patient yet annoying Ms Jajambo: stage manager, counsellor, "stop it eh", ms presidente.

In no particular order lor...
Pahlawan Putih

off day

and politics chucked aside. it gets tricky when you're dealing with people drunken with self glory, what ever that maybe, and dont seem to get the big picture. Do i need to hoist up a white flag and sign a declaration of independence?

Anyway today was my first ever approved request for an off day. I spent the whole day with titisan, in light of Arts Festival and PPP. It all started at 9am. Headed to school and got ready for a role as a roaming artist. The concept given to us was 'lagenda'. There was Saloma, PGL, tun fatimah, Satan, Angel, Wanita Melayu terakhir, Farah and myself as... swamp thing.
My costume was inspired by fared's character in In-con(se)quential. I think at this hingusan stage of my life, its perfectly normal to be partly replicating the professionals, and anyway imitation is the best form of flattery. hohoho

i liked the sound of the bells tied around my ankles


Farah, Setan, Saloma, PGL, Angel, Wanita Melayu Terakhir, TUN FATIMAH, and me.

after a two hour break, and washing the MAG logo off my back, we continued with PPP training. It was basically a warm up kinda workshop. i enjoyed it. worth my day off. But im quite worried yeah...

Dan luka darah merata
mungkin susah nak terima
mungkin sukar nak ubah
tetap kata kosong saja
Blog ini, salah tempat untuk terasa.
Oh...Jgn terasa.

I intended to blog this earlier, but due to some unforseen circumstances, it was delayed.

I remembered vaguely that, 25th of April was my mom's birthday. I was working and after my shift, i went to the nearest stores at changi airport. After alot of asking and browsing, i shortlisted a jar of expensive moisturiser and a tiny jewellery box that had a crafted caged bird as the top. Both around the same price. In the end, i settled with the moisturiser.


I felt its the image of my mom's rough hands and cracked feet that made the purchase. I was also thinking of writing her a poem, in the beauty of her sacrifices, that caused her hands to be opposite of what the media protray's a mothers hands to be, soft and almost silky. It could have been the chalk and the markers that teased her skin. The rough edge of piles of papers, stapled, stamped and sent off. The enormous significance rough hands, excites me. I think i will write a poem about that abnd send it as a mothers day card.

For now, its back to work
Pahlawan Putin

maybe i should put up pre-requisites to visiting this blog.

for apparently people tend to get very emotional about it. Even after/during NS. I could say, "dah dapat diploma/a'level baru boleh tag". What is NS? Merely an obligation. What you are, isnt me, what i am isnt you. I guess there's still a long way before you acheive maturity.

Sekali lagi, sesungguhnya aku hina.
sesungguhnya aku derhaka.
Manusia tak beralas, salah setiap balas.

The more you tag me, the more unreasonable you seem to become. The more weak you appear. The more afraid of me you seem.
If you really are Emas like you said to be, you'd have ignored the pentas comments from the start.

Kalau ye aku budak hingusan, (dan sememangnya aku itu)
apa lagi nak kata?
Memang aku tak boleh push-up 10 kali.
Aku takkan dusta tentang diri ku.
Aku tak malu. Aku senang kelu.

Tetapi yang aku heran, kalau benar aku budak hingusan, kenapa masih nak tegur aku. Kalau aku dah memang angkuh, kenapa mesti terus mengata? atau adakah ia mengapa? kenapa terus membuangkan masa dan tenaga kepada mengutuk setiap tindakan ku? Jawablah soalan ini dahulu...

Dan blog ini? ia hanya lah tempat aku menyusun memori dan kenangan yang lalu. dan melepaskan geram, kerana aku penakut. ya. untuk ku renungkan kembali satu hari nanti. Kalau dah puas, tak sudi, naik lemas, tunduknya padi, silalah tekan X yang terletak di bahagian kanan window ini.

dan aku bersalah,
menyimbah minyak ke api
mengharap kan tanah
bawaku kembali

cara kau tersendiri
cara aku tersendiri

ambil peluru, buat ganti

Memucat di hadapan peluang...
Pahlawan Putih

Explain yourself

I dont think i owe anyone an explaination but this is just for the record.

It started with the post dated 5th april.
apparently it caused alot of unhappiness among the directors of Pentas itself. cos they worked really hard. Directors refering to Firdaus (fid), amin, mamat and farhaanah.

After which i was called for a meeting late at night at as-salihin to talk about the post. it ended peacefully. more like pissfully, but i just kept quiet. After the meeting, it was agreed that gave my apology to all four of the respective directors who were "offended". Up till now, i've only apologised to Fid sincerely. I havent been meeting mamat or farhaanah so i guess i still OWE them an apology.

I presume this is what Fid meant by
"
fid
hutang darah dibayar darah... hutang mu sudah selesai?

fid
manusia berpegang kepada janji... masih menanti..."

Which i replied with
"
pahlawan
jangan mengharapkan darah ribut,
kerana darahkan berhenti mengalir,
dek keikhlasan yang dituntut,
takkan sampai hulu atau hilir

pahlawan
Selagi pipit mengharap,
selagi itulah ia terperap,
dalam sangkar ia meratap,
menanti tidak lenyap"

Which meant, you cannot force something like sincerity out of someone. And for me, i abhored expectations. Cause with expectations the more i didnt want to do something. Im no bloody mule, to listen to your every commands. And to tag it to my blog, with no bloody discretion. What is fid trying to do? create a big hoo haa. Then fine...

Then fid replied with
"
fid
to AIDA: hutang emas, hutang apa? hutang budi, hutang siapa? N dont apologise for mistakes? hahaha... teruslah belajar....

fid
to anonymous: if ppl hu borrowed, PATHETICALLY, paid up as promised, there wudden BE any loansharks, would there....?

fid
bukan pipit menanti, tapi kiwi sinis memerli... helang terbang tinggi, tapi hama di kaki...

fid
misan diberi, hampas kembali.... "

To me it was exceptionally rude lah. Firstly im not helang, not flying high. and to associate an apology to a debt and to a 'hama'... really got me tired.just bloody idiotically tired. then..

"pahlawan
sekali lagi, jangan mengharapkan yang bakal jadi. dan sedarlah pendirianmu. aku kenal tanggungjawabku. tak usah hama jadi samudera...

fid
pendirian aku ......?

pahlawan
renunglah depan muka air,
keangkuhan yang mengalir"

I admit the last comment was abit of a personal attack, cos the meeting on 14th of april was quite torturous. i've come to accept the fact that there would be indeed people who are too full of themselves but not notice it in the way they speak.

then...

"sibacin
jgn begitu kawan2...first class baik sencond class pon baik...

pahlawan
unfortunately it has nothing to do with class/caste. it deals with how people think they're too good for their own good

pahlawan
handphone ada, tapi masih nak post kat blog org... padahal, padahal... "

Soon after, during SIP...

Fid msgs
"Ah ni aku dah msg. tak kat blog. malam ni aku nak jumpa
eh kau kat skolah kan? malam jumpa kat techno" (somewhere along the lines)

My reply
"Dah tumpah baru nak ubah?

Kalau nak telek
madu sirih jampi
bukan nak ejek
aku tgh SIP
Malam tak balik
siang tak fre
tulislah emaik kek
malas nak jumpa lagi"


Fid replies while im busily working... how convenient right?

"Malas ke bacul? Sampai bila kau nak lari? Kau da salah jolok sarang lah... Sekarang aku nak jumpa pahlawan. Anak jantan. bukan kedi sembunyi di balik skrin."

"Kau kerja mac changi, kau tinggal tamp central. Sekali lagi, dengan baik aku ajak jumpa. Aku tak faham ape hal kau. Marilah jumpa. Aku takkan cepuk kau sayangnye. Polis pun banyak. Cuma nk tahu ape hal kau nk hina, nk caci. Mana2, bila2... Malam ni.."

Then Yan gets in the picture. A msg from his number.
"Bacul."

My reply
"Sesungguhnya aku kedi
jual badan di changi
idam kemaluan lelaki
dah besar nak jadi bini
andai kena kuti
lari ke mummy
isap ibu jari
Cakap apa kau nak
Ngomel sepuas tidak

I have no motivation to meet you. I had no intention to diss you. And i have no pleasure in listening to you.

bingit dgr pipit nyayi
puji diri sendiri
ni aku tgh keje ni
tolonglah berhenti"

bak pepatah Zah, Faaakkit lah! Im bloody not well, drowsy on medication, suffering in SIP and have no available free time, and here i have a person who is annoyingly pesterful and exactly what he describe me as. Im sorry but you're the one who barked up the wrong tree,a.k.a. salah jolok sarang. You could've approached me discreetly and not put the pressure on my sincerety. but instead, you thought you should cause some waves.
ombak akan kembali ke pantai juga

and Faaakkit lah to what you have to say. Cause i've grown immune.

Have you ever thought that maybe i dont want to meet cos i keep visualising an image of me summmarising all my suppressed anger in one punch, and another image of me in court for manslaugther? your not worth it. not at all.

To think after my shift i get a msg from Yan
""yo bro. sori tadi bukan aku msg. Fid amek hp aku"
Conteng arang dimuka sendiri...


And not forgetting the people who contributed their 2 cents for the progress package...

"Kuching Hitam
Bergini lah dunia bila org sudah pandai berjalan akan lupa kesusahan bertatih..inilah yg dikatakan hidung tercucuk ke langit..baru pandai berjalan dah penuh ngan angkuhan.."

Siapakah anda untuk menegur insan? Sembunyi dibelakang nak berteguran. Andai namamu disebarkan, akan ku dengarkan teladan, tetapi malah, hanya menyalak belakang dandan


"nana
kata-kata mu penuh ke angkuhan yang tidak bertempat."

Harap baca lagi, mungkin dengan teliti. Ada banyak interpretasi. Kata-kata ku ikut kesesuaian hati, dari sumber yang hina lagi keji.


"Van Der Troll
Sangat berbunga kata2mu itu..."

Terima kasih. tetapi kadang kala, bunga pun beracun.


"kuda putih
pahlawan putih,indah dan tajam kata2 mu.tapi sayang. keris mu hanya pandai melakar kan amarah mu di tempat ini tapi bila sudah bersua keris mu terus s"

Terima kasih untuk menyuluh bilik yang sudah terang. Sememangnya aku sadar akan kebenaran ini ketika mabuk dalam amarah yang di katakan. Moga dengan pesanan ini, keris ku kan lebih tajam lagi, dalam melakar, biarpun bersua. InsyaAllah.


"...
full of attitude sark... tsktsk. ckp baik2 tak boleh ke.... nice language. but oh so tajam."

Your msg got me confused. Nonetheless thank you for the progress package that i do not deserve. still under 21 years old.


I think the stanza that put people off is
"dan jangan cuba
andai bakat tiada
nak kata berbunga
sambil memerli ana"
Try reading it again.. it would make more sense. Im merely countering an attack.


For now, JUST FAAAAKKITT LAH......


Choose your protagonist and your antagonist
Pahlawan Putih