i feel its time i leave this blog. nostalgia has caught up.

i have grown restless in stagnancy. tiresome html codes.

i never thought i would leave this space. sigh, no looking back now.

-if you feel its neccessary to be updated-

pahlawan putih

i feel a mist of lead in my lungs.

it weighs me down.

Nothing to lose

I feel a rush of emotions going through me now. I dont think i cant even call them emotions. they have no identity. just an unidentifiable rush in my veins.

anyway, what is wrong with berita harian? wtf is Jel? there's a proper word for it; penjara. why butcher the language and season it with english adaptations when there are already in existance, words that have the same meaning? thus i never really like the malay syllabus.

Malay has always been beautiful though. I really love the possiblities you create with the language. Metaphors and idioms are always intricately woven yet so fluent in expressing the rarely expressed.
Sarcasm being one habit the malay language is infamous for imparting to its users. The art of generalising, with high chances of subtly inflicting pain or pleasure, directed towards the other party.

semalu dah tersentuh
terguris salah raba
ikhlas dan utuh
ampun langkah hiba

tetap pada daunnya
genggam tiada tiris
genggam semalu mara
tetap dia bersinis

kan ku tawa, bersenda
mula jejak baru
maju jejak beza
biar kembang semula, semalu

anyway, updates on life, i might be going to bali for a getaway, Sang the Rebel was conceived on national day, i cleaned my room like nobody's business, came across fragments of memories (kept them in a box), ticket stubs, event pamphlets, dozens of doodled notebooks, cockroaches. hur threw bags and bags of sheer rubish, kept in hope that they might serve a purpose, once more in the future. And lastly, im having fun goofing off.

oh well,
Pahlawan Putih

National Language?



That is the painting. A class of chinese students learning the malay language, with a malay teacher. Chua Mia Tee painted this in 1959.


Yesterday, a national holiday, after plans of watching fireworks were abandoned due to the lack of response, and also revelation that National Language Class/Utama was on, shaza and myself decided to catch the play. A pull factor was definately the fact that Effendy was performing in one of the two performances. Im quite glad i didnt spend the night masturbating on the elusive bursts of combusting compounds in the sky, which more often then not looks like a glass dome encasing us. regulating each molecule of oxygen we respire, regulating every combustion of plastic elation the nation decides to exhibit on its pathetic 'birthday'.

Back to the plays, they were both really provoking. It was subtle, but it was really really provoking. I felt as if i was lead to a new way of thinking. Really really good. Theatre at its best. A must watch.

I cant help but think i have found my other half
now its up to each of us to decide
whether we wanna be full

Morey piya...
Pahlawan Putih

Super Duper!



I have been thinking, and i've thought. In the five months that just passed, i realised that i have been into the shoes of others. That i have felt what they had to go through, before and after.

Thus..
I would like apologise to all the directors of Pentas: Akar Aku for having turn my back at you after the grueling process. Amin, Fid, Mamat and Fana. I realised that at that point of time, my tone of speech was of an offended immature coward. I never knew it took so much time, effort and dedication. For me to strike it out as a failure just proved that i had no respect whatsoever for people's hardwork. i failed as a human being.
and Oh boy, does karma work in its comedic ways. I'm having to face a few of 'myselfs then' now. I think this experience has made me more tactful. to think before i speak, or blog.
Please do forgive me. Now i have seen the light. will look forward to working with you guys again sometime perhaps.


which brings me to an insightful question.
Have you heard about the prostitute who drew water from a well for thristy dog about to die, and she went to heaven after?
How about the woman who was so pious, and devoted to God but yet she went to hell because she had conflicts with her neighbour?

we (me shaza bo) were having a mini debate session and it swayed abit to religious issues. So that question posted to me, relating back to our duties as humans to God.
But what can be gathered from the two incidents is that our relationship between other living things, including humans, is as essential, if not more important, than praying five times a day. Maybe He wants us to instill in us kindess before anything. To respect life, both our's and other's.

and for now, i respect people's views. however, i am not drawing my sword, because its certainly not a battle. Its just a failure to comprehend. As much as i want to defend my pride, i know im better off letting it go. (thus the new blog header picture.) Take in what people say, then sieve, to get the constructive ones.

like the metaphor bo gave me about girls.
"girls are like sand..
if u hold on to them tightly.. ur just gonna hurt urself,
if u hold them loosely..they'll fall through ur hands,
so u just have to hold them in between..."

words of wisdom from bo. hurhur

Anyway, the song is just a happy song. Feeling in the mood for love.
The guys are my SUPER DUPER LOVE!

xoxo
Pahlawan Putih

Homesick

Tuesday
After Sunday, Alfian invited me to watch a full dress rehearsal of his currently on going play, Homesick. I was more than elated to go. I really like his script, and how imagist it can be. The only problem i found with the play was the culture shock. heh, the set had everything, beds to pillow to dining table to even rice! It was good nonetheless. The actors were really really awesome, especial neo swee lin. Thanks again Mr Alfian sir!
(i couldnt have afforded the real show : D).

Thursday
initially, there were no plans, then we ended up at simpang bedok till half past midnight.
I have never found anyone crazy enough as me to walk to simpang bedok from tampines. Thanks Shaza for the beautiful walk. (reciting the script and all) Hopeless nostalgics.
Aida met us there again after a hair cut. Thanks for the jibera(?)
Hajar came late, but she compensated by telling us a colourful story of how she got there.
Its really nice to be lepak-ing. But whats better is the topic of conversation that usually leans to intellectual orgasm when we are together.

Friday
Planned a last minute picnic at marina bay. Bought one kite and made another. Has some sandwiches and all. Only aida could make it. hur, nonetheless it was relaxing.

Saturday!
Started out with a morning with two lovelies, Bo and shaza, for a theatre workshop NAFA organised. It was fun(ny) all the way. hurhur... Then we had to stall Bo for his suprise birthday gathering.


He doesnt like cakes, thus the rice pudding.


Suprised @ Sofra


Great food, great company. He was in disbelief for quite a while


US!


another group pic

I never felt so happy for someone else's birthday. Happiness is awfuly contagious.
In addition we got him a belt, and a sheesha session at El-Sheik. However we werenot the only ones giving, cos he kissed and hugged everyone like no business. Happy times. Happy 19th birthday again Bukhari!

: D
Pahlawan Putih

i dont count the people that hate me.
neither do i count the people that like me.

im not THAT narcissistic
not enough to even say im good

now that the meeting has ended
Please dont cry

TSIOGE

Hyper dictionary defines ego as

[n] (psychoanalysis) the conscious mind
[n] your consciousness of your own identity
[n] an inflated feeling of pride in your superiority to others

and an egoist as

[n] a self-centered person with little regard for others
[n] a conceited and self-centered person


I abhor being labelled an attention seeker (thanks aida) or an egoist. I feel that it is so untrue to myself, that i must be defensive. It is the worst insult anyone can give - Torture someone by blaming a bloated fragment of that someone. Really sucky, especially if its not true.

I fullertonically hate being in the lime light. I hate it when people look at me, waiting, expecting and just blindly staring. I hate to trouble people. I hate being put in a spot. I hate it when im the only one talking. I hate it when people dont get their ideas and emotions across. I hate having to guess how people feel. I hate having to be a narcissist.
I hate. So i guess that makes me an egoist. I'll try not to deny.

furthermore, after 5 months of hardwork, i think i deserve to have my moment, undisturbed by worry of what others think. And if that involves being an egoist, then be it. I think i'd have every right to be an egoist for now.


A friend told me that if people reminded him to be humble,
its usually like a defense mechanism on their part,
he'd say "its not for me to slow down for you, its your duty to catch up",
yet be humble by all means.

It was a mini-enlightenment.
People, when 'endangered', would pull, those that threaten them, down to their level with these presumptious expectations of us going arrogant and pompous. Not all of us are glamour stricken bozos, wanting to make a name for ourselves.


and yes aida, i havent attain that level of not taking into account what people think, cos i still am a narcissist. Feedback to feed engines of improvements. In short i care what people think. I need to be more subjective next time, taking into account only people that may actually be thinking.


Nominated for all awards... that was f***ing enough lah. to be considered is such a compliment already.

I still remember fahrul telling me he like the script. shaza also said something similar, and she really showed her passion to it. nadia zanial said something in her blog about it. that was more than enough lah.
(subtracting the fact that some labelled it as empty. just because we dont do slapstick, doesnt mean we're the ones having problems with it.)

I hate how the awards overshadowed the actually performance. although it was just acceptable.

I REALLY SHOULD START THINKING POSITIVE THOUGHTS

yay yay kita menang nya pementasan rawks!
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Egotisitcally happy,
Pahlawan Putih

Irfan: Mom, my team won outstanding script, use of stimuli, production design and overall champion. How much (money) do i get?

Mom: Sooo what? Takde Cash Prize ke?

Irfan: Ada..... but that one sponsored by parents.

Mom: (gives the look)

hur hur