benarkah tiada bagi ku ruang di hatimu untuk ku bertapak
walaupun sejengkal jari agar dapat ku berdiri diambang pintumu

Pendirian

setinggi manakah bumi yang kau pijak
sehingga hidung tercucuk langit
sejauh manakah bumi yang kau lonjak
sehingga kepala tersentak tumit

semerah manakah isi buah kepala
sehingga busuk masaknya emas
sematang manakah minda anda
sehingga nak ajar yang asas

layakkah kau berkata?
mungkin adil saja


Malah
layakkah aku mendengarkannya?

layakkah kita mengejar yang niskala?


dan jangan cuba
andai bakat tiada
nak kata berbunga
sambil memerli ana

Kerana ana khinzir
dan sudah tak kuasa
kata yang menzahir
ana tepiskan sana

Bukan emas yang menentukan dirinya emas,
malah, hanya jauhari yang cukup waras....

dan berdesinglah lagu pipit
dan menggatal kibasan lalat
terpaksa menuli walau perit
terpaksa mengalah ikut hajat

Wallahu 'alam
Pahlawan Putih

To my dismay

Tumpat didnt manage to go through to the semi-finals.
I am just really dissapointed with myself, for not being able to participate and/or watch the performance. I am dissapointed with what it takes to go through.
But i am not dissapointed with us. Orphans of the art form, with blind, but undying passion.
I am dissapointed that this dissapoinment may well be the one where we become weary and tired to go any further.
What does it makes us then?

Earlier in the afternoon, The Incredibles was airing on Disney channel. After a watching with great attention, i slowly remembered that it was the movie that Ardi, indrah and myself watched together at woodlands. then i remembered on another occasion at orchard where me adi and indrah watched a movie. and the time i got my first pay and went shopping with indrah adi bapak mizan at Sim Lim. Sigh, the nostalgia bothers me more than the memories.

It seems our lifes is always being dictated by someone else. Obligatory functions.

I want to savour my youth.
Pahlawan Putih

Sad

I just thought about it. then i became abit melancholic. This would be my second time missing Mega Perdana. The last time was as i had to answer the call of god through umrah.
Today is the preliminaries. And i didnt get off from work. I really wanted to sing the song. At least i contributed by writing the lyrics. One which i hope will help us to advance to the semi-finals (insyaAllah).


The theme is: Penggilap Permata (the Precious Stone Shiner?)
My Lyrics was inspired by Gubra.

Maryam dan Anak-anaknya

Juara
“Janganlah kau patah hati
moga mimpi tercapai nanti
agar gembira tak luka lagi
dengan berkat doa Illahi

sudahlah nasib, suratan diri
buruk dan baik semua rezeki
ku tanya bumi, kenapa harus begini
mungkinkah sudah ditakdirkan kami

jangan menangis, janganlah sedih
duka ini ku pernah alami
ia sementara, pasti akan pulih
sabarlah saja, tegak berdiri”


Yengki
Mula bercakar di ahkir hari
nyalanya suar, padam mentari
mula berusik jari jemari
kilau pudar, menerkam hati

satu malam selam behari
habis manis sepah dibuang
cari teduh, gendongan ‘mummy’
digilap pulih pagi ke petang


Kelantan
Kain rendam air mawar
diterap kepada luka
asah, asuh, sampai wajar
sampai duka malap juga

Siap-siap untuk sambar
dandan untuk bersedia
‘My’ pastikan hilang calar
biarpun wajah atau jiwa

agar permata tidak retak
dalam hidup cari rezeki
nan bak pintu tak berpasak
perahu tak berkemudi

haus kain meresap duka
nampak pula bayangannya
sebab ‘anak’ cerminannya
sebab nasib hampir sama


Pattani
Ah Mari Mari

singgahlah ke lorong mummy
hanya pada malam hari
bunga raya akan kembang berseri

pagi?
duduk berselang kaki
kepala dipangku mummy
merintih

dalam hati (mummy)
dilafazkan doa kepada Illahi
agar sumpah kemiskinan
tidak terus menghantui


Matang
di balik kilau, belakang dandan
terdapat silau kemanusiaan

siapakah yang berhak tentukan?
nilai dan nasib, jadi tanggungan

layakkah kita mengeji intan?
jauhari pun tak kemampuan


Penutup
Ala ewa, ewa bulan
ewa bulan teraju tiga

kisah ini mungkin dasar dongengan
permata berharga kerana intinya

The set talks about how a Mamasan, i named her Maryam, not only shapes up the prostitutes after every night of torture, an obligation due to poverty, but also consoles the heart to withstand this suffering, and the whole section of juara, is her prayer to God, in hope that someday they will all earn a modest living, freed from the shackles of prostitution.

I dont think it is a good piece as i only scratched the surface when i was dealing with the theme. And i had a hard time giving my all, since there were many other events that took place, so the writing process was more or less fragmented. Anyway, im JUST Senikata Harapan (Potential Lyrics), not the best of the best.


Work has been fine. After 3 days, i was put to working counter. It looking much better than before. Especially since Zah and Shikin rox paid a visit. Thanks so much guys. Including Jajambo and Kiky. That super made my day. and Where's wally? that made my night hohohoh
But i dunno. I just dont know. So bloody idiotic that they had to include a subject for me to take while doing SIP. When will i find the time? All the other time is required for rest and whining about work. Really.

Apparently my request to have wednesdays in an earlier shift created a hoo-ha with the HR and all. At least one week is going to end, and that leaves 11 more.

I bought a caramel frap yesterday after work, to divert my displeasure from my aching feet. Caramel frappes never tasted so orgasmic. Im serious. It was eye rollingly delicious.

still thinking about getting an MC. Im having minor diahoerrea

~ cair, ~ kambing, ~ lalat
Pahlawan Putih

all i wanna do is go out with you
but that i had to sacrifice too

i miss you

Bag me up

and drown me in that vile pool of vegetable shortening. and press 3 for 1min 10 seconds. Cos thats enough time, compared to this seemingly endless torture they call an internship, to alleviate me of this suffering.

If you guys havent already found out by word of mouth, or msn messenger, which ever applicable, im doing my Student Internship Programme (SIP) at/in Burger King. Changi Airport Terminal 2.
2 years ago, in late January i joined the team at the same outlet. At that time it was located at where Macdonalds is now. Then after a month or two, we shifted. I lasted only for 3 months. And this time my SIP is 3months also.

I'm begining to think God has a morbid sense of humour. Its like deja vu.

The problem is the routines, the same sour faces, the uncommunicative manager and the bloody annoying shoes, which are mine (my fault). I feel like quiting and failing SIP. But i know better. Im going to bite my lip till it bleeds before i would actually quit. Im going to go deaf listening to all that hokkein in the kitchen before i quit. Im going to the toilet more often and recite the pledge (maybe doing something that inflitrated my mind since childhood would be a good measure of mental stability.)

Lucky for me Aida loaned me A Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez after the one i borrowed from the library passed it's due date. Im reading it on the journey to work, to provide me with stimulation.


Sometimes i wonder, whether i've sacrifice too much for my involvement in the arts. Like i could be in school, doing normal office hours. But no... I could be a good student and sticking to the schedule, but no.. i had to request. darn it lah. But the thing is i never want to say, "i hope in the end its worth it" cos it may not be. I'm begining to think God has a morbid sense of humour. Its like deja vu. (have you read that before? was it deja vu?)
okay, lets see. Im juggling TP/SIP, Titisan/PPP, Tumpat/Mega Perdana, Sriwana and working to keeping my prayers. (which reminds me i have yet to isyak) (tu lah, nak ikut cara ~wan segala ~wan)

Anyway being in the airport, i always see a lot of SIA girls.
My dream has always been to do it with them.
Doing it means stewarding. hohoh actually not. i just wanted you guys to think funny thoughts.

im going crazy here. Where's my knight in shining armour?
uh...
How about a night in shining ardour?
just one night will do.

Pinta bulan jatuh atas riba

Minta bulan lalu pantas saja
Pahlawan Putih

Amorphia

I imagine
My life to be that 5 seconds before the MRT doors slide open. The wait is insignificant, but nonetheless it kills me.
My life to be the 10 seconds after the door slides open, and a coincidental congregation of people rush madly to vie for a spot on the escalator, by any means necessary.
My life to be that second when incovenience searches for his/her ez-link card at the mouth of the gate that would set me free.
My life to be that lifetime i spend waiting for a train, pondering over how many pairs of sole touched the cold fabricated floor, and how many wore off, leaving a trail of cold fabricated sole.

My life is like rush hour at Raffles Place. Midnight, i sit, basking in the stillness of the air, revisiting the day that passed, readying myself for the day to come.


Anyway i have lots to blog about so hang in there.

I think Zah is eccentricly photogenic. She can carry many expressions.
I think i'll call her to model for some more of my pictures.


Wawasan 2020


sayu


Krayon!


ana khinzir, wa zalika khinzir


the evening at the esplanade

That was after outdoor training at Marina Bay, and after their initial plans to go sentosa were cancelled. I kinda missed my camera, so it was really exciting just to be taking photos. Then I had my mesyuarat teragung at As-Salihin, which turned out to be more than i expected. i like.


Anyway,
"You still working at pink blossom?"
(that line has been stuck since whenever.)
Seriously, Anyway,
i wanted to share this

"Assalamualaikum

In this country that i was born and grew up in, that i hope to get married and raise a family and see my children grow up well and raise their own families in, that i hope to make clear sense of life and of living and be able to believe and have my beiefs questioned and requestioned and learn to beieve again in, that i hope to live safely and happily among persons and peoples of various skin colour of various tongues of various gods of various desires of various displacements of vaious vices in, that i hope will never have to see her persons and peoples bear arms and kill and be killed to defend and protect her form harm in, that i hope will take care of me when i grow old and in need of help to clean myself and then die peacefully and be remembered well in... In this country, i learn that secularism often means to deny the self to not threathen the other

Noor Effendy Ibrahim (Producer's Message for Projek Suitcase)"

I smiled soon after reading it. I only got a chance to really read it a few days ago. Salvaged from the depths of my bottomless Under-the-bed.


This would bring me to the anotology of malay plays produced by ekamatra, Bisik. Yes, like Fad, i have been reading the book which featured 3 renowned playwrights, Noor Effendy Ibrahim, Adli 'Alin' Mosbit and Alfian Saat. I read the plays according to no particular order, and the first one i read was already mind bogling.

Ahmad by Noor Effendy Ibrahim
Somehow it reminded me A. Samad Said, due to all the repetitions. Simply complex. but my favourite of his 3 plays would be Cerita Cinta. I liked it very very much. (very very)

Ikan Cantik by Adli 'Alin' Mosbit
My favourite of her 2. Pleasantly hilarious as i've seen/met some of the cast before so i could roughly imagine how hysterical they would be. I liked how it approached the women's standing issue. How it questions.
Now i see the similarity.

Anak Bulan di Kampung Wa’ Hassan by Alfian Saat
Im still trying to imagine how the actor did it. Such a prolific play. I feel like reading it again.
Mr Alfian would be one of the Judges for PPP06.


And this brings me to Pesta Peti Putih 2006 (July 25, 27 and 29)

We had our first briefing + workshop last thursday. It was super. Nice to see everyone contributing energy. even the Nadi-ans. I will look forward to these meetings. Will look forward to working together.
Its times like this, i see the human face of our Malay Arts Group.

The identity that dwells in the corners of our hearts, which only surfaces when we manage to put aside our pride and block out personal desires. And when you see that face, you never want to close your eyes, your heart, or stop the passion from flowing.

6 days left
Pahlawan Putih

This post is dedicated to Mohd Noramin B Mohd Farid.
For all the times you've mis-interpreted my posts. and all the instances where i wasnt specific with the subjects of my compositions / victims of my scrutinisations.


Inspired by Kalbun



Aku khinzir.

Aku disumpah sepanjang zaman
dengan badan yang asalnya najis,
tetapi bila menjadi santapan
haram! walaupun dagingku manis

Yang ku makan najis
yang ku berak najis
yang ku kencing najis
yang ku mandi najis
yang ku selimuti najis
yang ku sanjungi najis
yang ku cinta najis
yang ku rindu najis
yang ku tagih najis
yang ku kata dengan sinis

Dan tebal memang kulit ku
yang bisa sudah biasa
dan yang kau kata itu
benar benar belaka

kerana aku khinzir
dan kalau aku bukan
kenapa pantas menjelir
dan terus berjalan?

Aku memang dasar penakut
tetap akan bersembunyi
balik lumpur dan rumput
kerana hati penuh sangsi

dan yang hitam
ku kata putih
yang malam
ku kata hari
yang kelam
ku kata jernih
yang geram
ku kata sedih
yang bayam
ku kata sirih

yang kau muram
ku tak hirau lagi

ingat kata-kata ku tak bermakna ini

kerana

Ana Khinzir
Wa Zalika Khinzir

"Aku babi,
Dan kau juga babi"

Sekiranya aku buta
bau kohong kau kan ku hidu
kata kosong kau kan ku dengar
dendam pahit kau kan ku tinggal begitu

Kesedaran itu permulaan
Pahlawan Putih

Writings

There i was
allowing the beach to embrace my limbs
allowing the breeze to slither down my neck

shutting off visual senses
allowing the waves sing their monotonous lullaby
allowing the blanket of moonlight comfort me

then i sat up.
cleared the sand of its
natural indentations
to give a smooth surface

i allowed the collective feeling
of particles running against my skin
inspire me
then with my finger
i wrote...

"Kata diukir atas pasir
tetap akan luput jua
kalau bukan kerana
desir angin kencang,
kikisan ombak garang,
jejak jajah orang,
hati mungkin berubah...."

Dan itulah itu
lumrah manusia

Minta bantu, ulat dan naga
Pahlawan Putih

Pentas Akar Aku

Sekilas pandang
Sejenguk belakang

Alhammdulillah it went quite well. Quite well that some people actually enjoyed it. I think the only problem with PENTAS 05/06 is repetition. Akar aku, a battle between culture and mordenisation, which was not more intently portrayed, has already been mention a few thousand times already, if not an issue of catergorising the protagonist and the antagonist.
Repetition includes the members of the artistic committee, who were roughly the same as last year's. The production was more of masking previous mistakes instead of making new mistakes. Mistakes and blunders are what makes this more enjoyable. The lower we go, the higher we would bounce back.
Also, there lacked a cohesion among segments. As if placing 20 different flowers in a vase only because you can, instead of placing the 3 flowers that complement each other the most. I felt like a bragger. I felt like i was bragging about things that were not mine. So much foreign talent that at the end of it all, you question your contribution significance as a TP student. I hope the crutch mentality will wear off.
Lastly, we did not end off with the traditional Pentas song. So much for going back to our roots, Akar Aku. The finale song did nothing for me. It was just another identity, that was not ours, we decided to adopt.
Kudos to the people behind PENTAS! especially for thinking it was a success.

Kalau hajat nak cakar langit
kalau niat nak pijak awan
jangan ikut resmi si pipit
nyaring suara tak padan badan

But behind all this anger and frustration, which some of us found to be a common hatred, i manage to get close and personal with a few individuals. And somehow, its that unhappiness that brought us together.

A few will be missed. Individuals who made an enormous impact on MAG. Their countless contributions that paved the way for most of us. Siddiq and Muhammad aka Mamat. The serba gunas of MAG. The talented. The passionate. The commited. I will never forget last years's PENTAS lepak sessions pasal korang dua.
Doa ku agar korang maju, berjaya. InsyaAllah.


Finally its out. I have nothing to hide. I only hid it to prevent accussations/assumptions, but depriving people of the truth only made them want to know more. My interest in people is based on the magnitude of they mysteriousness.

Anyway its nice to know i can talk intellectually to Wawa. And its nice to know were are all getting into the charade fever. Only problem is the subject of the charade. we are running out of ideas.

Thats all for now. Cant wait for PPP

Thank you for waiting
Pahlawan Putih